Finding Interest

I was telling myself I had to do things. Then I scheduled them and made them a permanent item on my to-do list. I couldn't get out of them. If I was tired, I was going to be more tired tomorrow, because I was staying up to finish. If I was mentally exhausted, I was pushing through and squeezing out whatever was left in my mind. If I was emotionally drained, I would pick mindless tasks that didn't require me to engage and be aware of my physical body. If I was lonely, I'd say, "what's next?"

Now, I'm doing just as much, maybe more, than I was before, but it's completely different. I want to do these things. I get excited about what I can do, and if I change my mind and want to alter the schedule I had planned, I can do that. All of the things I put into my schedule don't have to be work-related. They can be completely random and produce nothing in particular.

I want to do some of these things with other people, no longer considering socializing trying to avoid what I should be doing. I'm interested in new things. Maybe things I'm already doing will get set on the back-burner so I can try them, or maybe I will just wait until I can make some more space. I'm paying attention to my body and incorporating everything I do into my mental and physical state. I'm adding more people into my life.

I'm curious and keeping a log of things I'd like-to-do, rather than sitting with the frustrating have-to-dos, which exist so far out of my control I can't even entertain the idea of what I'd like to do because "I don't have time".

I'm moving forward.

Deeds and Words

Presence

There is such a significant difference between being in a place, and being present in a place. Sometimes I think that I'm present but I'm completely in my head, missing everything around me. I might be walking through the woods thinking, "I'm walking through woods, and they are really beautiful", but the act of thinking about the woods actually undermines my experience of the beauty of the woods.

Lately I've become more aware of how frequently I'm present - which is to say, not so much. My lack of focus is a blatant clue. I'm asking to have breakthroughs and to be more expressive, but I'm holding onto the things that keep me unexpressed and unfocused. It feels like laziness, in response to fear. Fear of what, I can't quite articulate. And when I justify being stuck and unable to activate, I've created a self-fulfilling cycle.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a huge pain. I'd love to reframe my thoughts and accept that the things I have been convincing myself I couldn't unstick and had to figure out how to live with can be fixed. But instead of accepting it as a possibility and letting it unfold, I continue to justify my current state of being because I 'don't know what it looks like' to be any other way. I'm starting to literally see the words, as they come out of my mouth, sliding down to my feet and piling up onto one another, building the very wall that I am speaking about not being able to break through.

I get these headaches when I start trying to explain why I'm upset. The words that come out of my mouth don't accurately express what needs to come out, and the frustration and anger lounge around in my head. Anyone have any good exercises to more effectively release anger? I've been willing to admit that it's there and that I want to express it, but I still haven't been successful in making it flow.

On the positive end of things, moments that I have been experiencing when I am present feel more...just more than they used to. So the depth of my presence is increasing, but the consistency with which I am present in the world is still leaving something to be desired.

Presence, kick Fear's ass, please.

Activism

I took a stand in activism the other day, and I was pretty proud of myself. There's a plot of land out here by the bay which hasn't yet been claimed by park services with strict rules laid upon it, or bought by a corporation to 'redevelop' into landscaped soccer fields. I went to a meeting with a friend who had enlightened my boyfriend and me to the dangers this land now finds itself in from said threats.

I hadn't visited the plot of land since I moved here, so I decided that I would make my way over there before the meeting so I knew what I was fighting for. It turns out to be a place unlike any I have ever seen. There was driftwood art, randomly scattered throughout nature left wild on the little peninsula. There were paths lined by rebar and concrete piles, creatively arranged, and people in tents, actually living there. These people were friendly enough to the random people who walked their dogs, went for a jog, and took a stroll along the bay in their home.

There's something wild and beautiful about this place, and that it's been able to retain its existence through the increasing build up of strip malls and highways is pretty impressive. I was confident that I wanted to take a stand for this place. Getting stung by a bee on my way out was a little annoying, but it added to the wild beauty of the place.

The meeting was so enlightening. I really got to see some of the people from the area in a way that I haven't been able to yet:

The older hippies who come to every town meeting to take a stand against evil corporations, who are taking away our natural resources and our freedom.

The angry guy who tried to turn the meeting into a rally by screaming, 'you have to LISTEN to us! You can't keep us quiet!' and got kicked out of the meeting.

The woman, an older intellectual hippie, who had her paperwork and had did her research. She condescendingly reminded the committee that they hadn't thought of every detail and made them question themselves.

The guy who was on multiple committees and - literally - wore different hats when he came up to speak on the different subjects.

The tie-dye skirted woman who just wanted to argue about dogs being leashed and was texting the rest of the meeting - she was even still texting when she walked up to the microphone to make a comment.

The land owner who was trying to explain why he wanted to sell his land to a big business, only giving vague details and not being able to answer any question with a direct answer. 

And then there was us. The younger generation, giving a face of youthful rationality to counterbalance the older attendees who couldn't seem to listen well enough to speak to the appropriate agenda item.

It was really enlightening. Who knows what sort of impact any of us had, but being there together and showing the committee the many faces that would fight for a cause must have given them some pause. They claimed not to have much control over this situation, but now it is their responsibility to relay our message to those whose ears they certainly have. 

And if they have the passion of the people I saw at the meeting, the place we fought for could retain its essence.

Needing to Listen

I've been lagging on writing lately, mostly because I realize that I'm not listening enough. I keep writing words, words, words, and my calculating mind assumes that if I write enough words I will finally come to an understanding of what I need to express. But what I need to express should be expressed of its own accord - and the act of trying to figure out what I need to say is creating the very wall that my creativity can't seem to break through.

I want to share new ideas and funny/interesting things on my blog and I will return to that. But for now I'm trying to let go of some 'shoulds'. As usual, I start to make creative acts into scheduled 'to-dos'. Blogging became that and therefore I have been unable to speak from a place of spontaneity and honesty. It's become, "I should write a new post - what should I write about?" Too many shoulds, and less interesting posts as a result.

My mind understands, and that understanding is what undermines me. When I find a new way of unearthing my creativity, I turn it into a task that I 'must do' in order to 'become creative'. It filters into my schedule and it becomes a checklist item, rather than...well, the problem is I can't seem to figure out what place it would hold, if not as an item that I need to accomplish.

Play? Play is undirected and my mind gets instantly triggered into thinking, 'if you 'just' play, you won't really get anything accomplished, so it's no different than sitting around reading a book - so let's do that instead.' Not so, I know. Being able to play and improving my play is deepening my creative practice. So why is it that I know this - at least, intuitively do - but it doesn't seem to make a difference?

Someone recently asked me if I was committed to overcoming these obstacles, these walls that I create for myself - as I talk myself in all directions and make justifications for the way I am; as I say that I want to be a certain way; as I say that I want to play more and open space for my creativity; as I say that I want to let go of all of the structure that has built itself up in my mind.

Of course I said yes.

Saying it doesn't make it so. And I keep discouraging myself from actually making it so by saying that I don't know 'what it looks like' to be fully committed to it. And if I don't know what it looks like, I can't do it.

I wish I could say that now that I've explained this it's helped me gain clarity about how to play without feeling I 'should', to speak from the creative heart and not filter it, to express my anger and disagreement so I can present myself to the world in a balanced way, to drop the structure when I go into a creative zone, and to understand what I want and need, in every moment.

Truth is, I'm still thinking, "I don't know what it looks like".