I've landed

So I've officially landed in my own space. Although I moved more than two months ago, it is just now that I am in a space that is all my own.

It's interesting, the process of settling in. I find that I easily land, but I don't always fully settle myself before moving on. I've chosen to do a lot of relocating and I haven't always made myself at home, mostly because I have a habit of looking ahead too quickly.

I see it all connected - the ability to focus on a specific creative endeavor and release my passion, being able to fully settle into a home, and choosing to stay in the present and not move too quickly into 'what's next'.

So today, on Halloween, I am choosing to begin the process of settling in - and to allow myself to settle completely. This action will more easily allow my wellspring of creativity to flow out into the world.

I think I'll christen this space by watching Nightmare Before Christmas.

Happy Halloween!

Promote Yourself

The internet world is something else. It's fascinating how you can invent and express yourself, for one thing. On the negative side, you could be a creepy old man pretending to be a 16 year old girl in a distorted attempt at self-expression, but on the positive you could promote yourself in a way that you unveil opportunities you would otherwise not be considered for or not have exposure to. 

For instance, my writing abilities are pretty decent, and songwriting and blogwriting help me to continuously improve myself. I want to get into the writing world more professionally, though, and I have been struggling with how to do so. I earned a degree in Philosophy, not English, so although I wrote a whole lot of excessively long papers I apparently don't have the grammar skills necessary to ally myself with the English professionals. I have been assuring job ads that I am competent, can learn quickly and will be quite adept even though I don't have the preferred background. Unfortunately, jobs have a silly paradox: can't do it unless you have experience, but can't get experience because you can't get a job since you don't have experience. 

Well, thanks to the Internet, this paradox is somewhat re-routed. I decided, instead of responding to ads, to post my own and offer my services. I don't have to lie and say I'm an editing master or a English guru, but I let them know that I can edit their work and offer them professional quality and an efficient job - affordable at that. And you know what? I've been getting responses.

It's a good lesson in creating opportunities for myself. The only way I'll become a part of this world and be seen is by putting myself out there. Thanks to my highly supportive and graphic design-inclined boyfriend, I have beautiful business cards coming my way, as well as a pending website. That's made me really excited and nervous at the same time. 

Of all the things I do, I still don't really seem to have a specific title that defines me. Not that one word should encompass my entire being, but most people know how they would label themselves on a business card. This all just brings me back around to the issue of being able to play freely and allow my creative flow to be unleashed. Once I start focusing and giving myself a break, I'll have the opportunity to create things that can be shared and be able to define what I offer more clearly. And of course, I'm also working towards some great references for a professional writing career. So things are moving, and they are looking up. That eases my nerves and increases my excitement.

On that note, I'll post a few lovely pictures I've taken during and since my move out west. Since it isn't flickr I won't go crazy, it's just nice to see beautiful pictures. 

I accidentally took it upside down, but I like it better this way.

The sunset on the Bay - always unique, always beautiful

Self Pity

Self pity is a real irritation. Those of you who will admit to having fallen prey to this monster many times over will be laughing at that understatement. Although everyone experiences self pity at different times, this wouldn’t be an intriguing blog entry if I simply explained how I have been struggling with it in my recent move. So I have a better approach.

 Alan, a dear friend and Art Director for the non-profit mask dance/theater company, ArcheDream for HUMANKIND (www.adhk.org), wrote an essay on the disadvantages of self pity awhile back. You can find it on his website, here. In it, he thoroughly analyzes this self-inflicted burden, and every time I read it I am able to reflect on self pity’s constant resurgence in my life. Everyone could benefit from reading about themselves from this sort of universal perspective. So often the objective, understanding voices are what guide us to end our painful cycles once and for all. 

What he explains is that self pity’s presence emerges when a person faces a contradiction to their sense of well being. As human beings we dream, hope, and set goals, making commitments to ourselves. But a dilemma arises when we take those dreams and attempt to manifest those goals in the world. "All of us have wished that what is significant for ourselves is also necessary for others" - and when this does not seem to be happening, we begin to fear what might be true of us - namely, that we will not succeed or that we are not good enough. "...against doubt we visualize our goal, and wanting it to happen becomes an expectation designed to negate doubt." Our intention has now gone from natural expression to a panicked insistence that we must succeed to prove our doubts wrong. We are submerged in personal doubt and then fall into guilt as we are too panicked to fulfill on our commitments.

This opens the doorway to see the world as an aggressor on our lives. No longer are we in control of our world, but we are fighting against a world that is causing us suffering. We are now undertaking a ‘noble’ cause to demand recognition for all of the suffering we are being put through. We “take it out on others...those who are not with us are our enemy and we act as though we have suffered a great loss when we have in fact given up [on ourselves]”. 

Mired in our panic and suffering, "fear has a knack of looking like our reality". We are no longer able to see clearly or rationally. The farther we slide into self pity, the farther we are getting from actually taking control of ourselves and our lives - and we go deeper into our self-directed anger. 

What is the result of such self-directed anger and loss of control? A loss of confidence and self worth. "The suicide of self worth ensures a bitter independence, in perfect isolation, dead but not yet buried" and we begin fighting with the persona we have now created which is “cynical self-defense blended with sarcasm”. We are ashamed of ourselves and feel grief because we have not achieved the goals we set out for. Our externally directed anger continues, and we prosecute others to counteract our vulnerability. 

This prosecution of others doesn’t necessarily mean we actually tell them we are placing blame on them. It can mean that we make loved ones feel we resent their support, turning down all possibilities and denying the light at the end of our frightening tunnel. "Fear of Death is popular, but fear of Freedom is a greater terror by far."

Ultimately, our consciousness will continue working to find the gatekeeper of our freedom -  disillusionment. What our disillusionment requires is that we become willing to “accept the unacceptable” about ourselves. To stop feeling shame for those things we don’t understand about ourselves; to admit that all we need to succeed, move forward, and be free, is already within us. We are the only ones stopping ourselves, and as soon as we allow, with all our faults and passions, our true selves to be seen internally and externally, we have found the key to releasing our cycles of self-pity. 

I see myself in his letter, and it's helped a great deal. I hope it will benefit all who read it. 

Expectations

I have a really difficult time not setting expectations. No matter what I’m doing - whether it’s applying for a job and expecting that I will at least get a call because I am qualified, or setting my schedule for the day and expecting that all will go according to plan. Sometimes expectations seem harmless enough, but as soon as things go against expectations, my stress level skyrockets. 

I don’t think everyone is as easily triggered into stress, but I do think that people set expectations too often. A lot of miscommunication or lack of communication is due to personal expectations not being met and people internally freaking out about it. I’ve certainly gotten frustrated with myself or others because an expectation that I arbitrarily carved into stone was not met.

The distinction I’ve been trying to make is between expectation and intention. I’ve been having a little bit of trouble because even when I think I’m setting my intentions for a certain outcome, I’m actually just setting a wishful expectation. So more often than not, my expectation is not met because I didn’t really choose for the universe to unfold a certain way. With intention, at least from what I have gathered, a person reaches deep into themselves to set an intention - and the world unfolds before them to offer those possibilities as a reality that they can choose. Expectation, on the other hand, is a hope that the world will unfold as you wish it would. Deciding that something ‘should’ or ‘will’ happen and then just going along and keeping an eye on it, becoming frustrated when it doesn’t happen as anticipated is much different from being the puppeteer and actively guiding that something down the path to make your world happen as you intended. 

I see the distinction. And I’ve been trying to acknowledge when I am actively setting an intention. Finding a job, for instance. I’ve been telling myself that I am competent and would be a great employee in a number of different jobs. But I keep becoming disheartened and frustrated when the places I’m really interested in working for either don’t get back to me or ‘go another way’. Becoming disheartened is the issue. How do I maintain my internal self-worth and not feel beaten down? I’m suspecting if I set my intention, rather than just expecting to get a call back because I ‘should’, I might be getting more responses and more positive results.

But I’m not sure how to shift that. When I’m setting expectations, sometimes I’m having a hard time even acknowledging that’s what they are. When I expect something and I demand that it happen, my mind distorts this forceful, false confidence and considers it honest intention. Agh.

So today I will work on recognizing my constant expectation-setting and try to set more deliberate intentions. And of course, improving my confidence by believing I am more than able to set correct and powerful intentions. Ah, easier said than done. 

To Laugh

I want to say a little more about humor. A lot of humor these days is heavily dependent on shock value. It doesn't have to be something particularly amusing that’s being said, but the bold and shocking content has you giggling, in a haze of disbelief about what you just experienced. That’s the stuff I like. Why is it so amusing? Well, part of it for me has to do with my logical mind - it loves when something irrational or of a distorted context is intentionally placed for humor’s sake. And the shocking stuff is hilarious because it tests the boundaries of our fabricated 'safe' zones. 

The last few generations are a lot more desensitized than previous ones, which is why it’s not likely that you and your grandmother are going to be giggling over South Park. Raising the bar seems to be happening exponentially in terms of raunchy, disgusting and offensive jokes. So what will this humor evolve into? It’s a tremulous line. Going from funny, to hilarious and slightly offensive, to offensive and sort of funny, to downright offensive and negative, to making you cringe with discomfort because of it's lack of integrity as a 'joke' - we at least still draw a completely tasteless line somewhere. 

There are some tried and true comedic methods that still always work, for me - like dry, British humor. There’s something about it that never gets too inappropriate (a matter of opinion, of course) and knows the perfect combination of human interaction, awkwardness, and word play. But then again, that’s my taste and I know some people can’t handle it. It can be corny.

But you know, I’m realizing something that I have kept hidden for awhile (though maybe more from myself than others since I'm sure there are people who have picked up on it long ago) - I’m really corny. There, I’ve said it. I have corny, ridiculous humor that isn’t always funny. Sometimes I just say words because the word combination sounds funny to me, not the content. Am I the only one that does this? I wonder if it’s because I’m a writer so words that sound funny together are just one of those kicks that I'll get, and everyone else looks cross-eyed at me and thinks I have some mental instability. But it’s true. Banana poodoo, for instance. I might sound like a child, it might make no sense, and it may hold no context. But doesn’t your mind giggle JUST A LITTLE when those syllables roll off the tongue? 

Ah, well. To each their own humor. I equally appreciate good random humor as well as clever, witty humor - it's all about the delivery. And either way - we’ll always figure out a way to laugh. Whether or not it corresponds with an accepted moral compass, we can’t help but laugh. It's part of the necessary balance of being human. 

Focus

I’m beginning to see a correlation between the short attention span of the younger generations and a fear to shine our light. I’ve always thought that I’ve had pretty decent attention span. I can get down with the ADD television cartoons like Robot Chicken and be amused how fast it cycles through hilarious insanity, but I can definitely pay attention when I am talking with loved ones, reading, playing guitar, or writing. Or so I imagined. As I get deeper into my creative practices I’ve been realizing there's actually a lack of focus that I hadn't seen before. 

Whenever I sit down to try to write or play guitar, I am really into it at the beginning. I get going and am enthusiastic, but 20 minutes into it I am thinking about what’s next on my agenda. The weird thing is, it’s not even that I want to stop what I’m doing, or that I’m bored. It just ‘feels’ as though it’s time for the next thing. Sometimes I'll keep doing what I'm doing regardless, but other times I allow the nagging voice to pull me into the next task. 

I’m very good at and used to having to do many things in one day and making them all fit - going from one thing to the next in a very tight schedule. That definitely aligns with my logical, organizational mind. I was initially thinking that perhaps I was just too tied into that mind and couldn't see beyond the ‘schedule’. But I see that when I get these distracted but unnecessary whispers in my head, it’s when I’m doing creative things. And the voice that is asking about ‘what’s next’ is actually suggesting that I do tedious work that, although it’s not as enjoyable as creative time, it gets necessary things accomplished and I can visibly see the results of right away. I might sit down and try to write a song for four hours and come out with only one line that really strikes me. Conversely, I can spend one hour doing laundry, washing dishes, and cleaning my room, and wow! I see much more success in that hour. 

Ah ha. That seems clear enough. I’m having a hard time accepting the intangible progress that I make in my creative practices and I cling too tightly to what is tangible and satisfying in the short-term. This clinging to temporary satisfaction is related to the attention span issue -temporary entertainment/keeping the mind effortlessly occupied. So let’s revisit the claim in my first sentence - that this correlates with being afraid to shine my light. That then suggests I’m not willing to offer my time in blind faith to a process that I can’t be sure what the result will be and I'd rather just do a mindless task to feel as though I'm accomplishing something. 

This is what I need to let go of, in order to be able to focus more deeply and ultimately, find the depths of my creative expression and free play. How do I learn how to spend my time playing once again, and not feel as though I am wasting time but producing more results than any short-term task can provide? That’s the question I am pursuing today.  

Unrelated - or a distraction?
A Picasso painting I love and can't seem to find in poster form anywhere.

Change and the Rational World

If fear weren’t involved, would anyone resent change? Would we laugh easier at the unlikely and take a chance with the impossible? There are many people who don’t like change, don’t like a shifting, unknown, unreasonable environment and will defend emphatically that they are actually the type of person who enjoys life that way. I, however, am convinced that fear is the lone culprit in this matter. 

Of course, I make the distinction between committed and flighty when referring to change. Enjoying change doesn’t have to mean that a person hops from job to job, from lifestyle to the next, from location to the next. But it does involve shifting your life when it becomes clear that improvement, or an evolution, is calling. Stagnation is not the natural state of the universe. 

And as for rationality. I’ve always found that I have a pretty intense love of irrational humor. Surrealism, irony, and complete nonsense can really get me going. And it certainly has to do with my mind being a excessively logical. To say something nonsensical, irrational and perhaps plain silly, evokes a deep mental giggle. I find it releases the tension of my strict thought, and allows my deeper self to come up for air, as it were. I know I haven’t yet found the balance between logic and emotional expression in my life - I’m still heavily weighted in the logic end of the spectrum. But I’ll get there. And I’ll still be laughing at the absurd. What my balance will provide is the ability to focus my irrational amusement into tangible, creative ideas. Creativity is deeply embedded in our playtime with the limits of reality. 

And as for change - I am a big fan. There are a number of things that are comforting to hold on to, and things that must stay consistent in order to have a smooth ride through life. But anything that gives me the opportunity to see life from a new perspective, to learn something I never realized, to challenge myself to overcome a fear that I have - I welcome it. Not always without struggle and fear, but as long as I continue to respond to my instincts, which are infinitely curious what would happen if life could be improved by this or that, I’m invoking change. Setting this intention has made all the difference. 

It’s nice to realize that, in spite of all of my other insecurities, there are some real strengths that I do have. It’s hard to see strengths in the midst of fear and feelings of inadequacy. But even the desire to see myself more clearly is a strength - not all people even let that desire out. It's hidden in fear and defended under the guise of ‘this is just who I am’. And certainly I fall into that category for some things in my mind. I express that I just ‘am’ certain ways and try to maneuver my life to work with the ways things are. I’m seeing, though, one at a time, where I’m incorrect and those things can actually be removed from my persona. Life instantly looks different when I am able to do so. 

What it has taken is the confidence that I want to make the most of myself and my experience. And then, to admit that this confidence is a strength. Although it doesn’t produce instantaneous results, it’s with me for the long haul. The short term obstacles aren’t committed to me, so as they come across my path I will reject being halted and stagnated. I’m going to keep on moving, even if I have to put some force into it and swim around in the muck of my own fear and self-loathing for awhile. I’m swimming across, not treading water, and that certainly is different. Flailing around in place and shouting that I'm on my way to the other side isn’t the sort of irony that gets me going. 

And of course, the love and support of those around me is key. To see how I impact those I love and allow myself to have/be a mirror and view myself from an objective perspective is extremely powerful in my growth. Change arises whenever a new person comes into my life. Each new connection I make teaches me more about myself. In fact, always seeking new connections and deepening those I already have might just be the most important catalyst for my evolution.

Tweed. 

Words

I’ve been thinking a lot about the eternal script of the universe and words. There are people who hold a lot of reverence for the word, written or otherwise. And there are some who don’t feel that strongly about words. I can see both sides, but as a writer I am certainly on the sidelines with a big ‘W’ on my uniform.

But I’d like to muse on words for a moment. So let’s take the opposite viewpoint, to start. What’s the problem with words? There’s the issue of language and not being able to express the same ideas/thoughts in the same way. English can have less depth to it's language compared to others, so as an English speaker I definitely understand the suspicion that there are certain things you simply can’t express in words as well as you can in non-verbal communication. 

An example of one of the other languages that has different depth is Kanji. There are many symbols that don’t mean one word, but embody an entire concept. 認 - this symbol means ‘to notice, or to judge’. It’s clear that noticing and judging could mean very different things as well as relate to the same situation, so this symbol inhabits a large space of possible definitions/contexts. And there are other words that represent an idea but don’t literally mean what the symbols ‘say’. 米国 means ‘rice country’ but refers to ‘United States of America’. Kanji is able to encompass a wider span of human experience since it doesn’t simply construct long sentences with individual words that mean only literally what they say. It gives you a concept and you can interpret it to whatever depth is appropriate for your personal self. We can’t be outside of ourselves so interpretation based on our lives/experience is our most accurate possible experience of the universe. 

What English does offer, though, is the ability to re-work grammar and offer different ways of expressing thoughts - sarcasm, irony, satire, metaphor, etc. Wit certainly calls ideas of human nature loudly and powerfully into existence. 

Definitely it’s about impact. The issue I have, which is why it is common to believe language isn’t as powerful as other forms of expression (i.e. music, painting) is that people forget how much of an impact words can actually have on the universe. It’s easy to ramble, to just talk about nothing - it doesn’t really expend that much energy and there’s a satisfaction in hearing yourself prove your existence. It would be quite a different experience if when words left your mouth, you actually felt the weight of them. 

Imagine for a second: those things that are painful or deeply honest are spoken into the world with the intention of being more authentic to yourself or to others. They fall from your mouth and sink into Mother Earth, as water from a rainfall. They enrich the universe and existence is better off, that they've been said. THEN, imagine speaking in anger, defense and fear - those words shoot out of your mouth directly into the heart of the person you are speaking to. Or it hits them in the head, knocking them over, ricochets off their body and pinballs through all of the people nearby. These words are weapons. And once they impale their target and bounce around for a bit, they disperse into the air, polluting the sky with a mass of irrationality, lies, unwarranted negativity, unrecognized anger, etc. 

Paints a bit of a different picture. 

When I say something irrational, or I get triggered and start defending myself, not because I believe in what I’m saying but because I’m in some sort of mutated survival mode, the words that escape my mouth just FEEL wrong. Many times I know, as I’m saying them, that what I’m giving to the universe is certainly no gift - I am spewing trash into the perfect chaotic beauty of the universe. Of course the universe can handle it, but why should I want to choose to invoke a de-evolution of the universe rather than constant evolution, and growth? 

When I say something correctly, it clicks into place like it was always meant to be there. And in those moments I know I am furthering myself as a human, and I’m furthering the universe. I only want to offer into the world words that are powerful, honest, and truly worth saying. Of course it won’t always happen, but even vigilance makes a difference. If everyone was truly vigilant, words could regain their status, and sit alongside the other weighted forms of expression. And certainly I think that if you combine more than one form of expression there is a potential for an incredible gift to be offered. 

It's really all about intention. If any form of communication is offered with authentic intention- even negativity, pain and struggle have their place if people understand what it is and why they are offering it into the universe- it's valid and beautiful. 

I love words. And I deeply love music. Both can reach into the soul of a person, bring forth their purest essence and help them experience the fullness of their being in the universe’s unconditional embrace. That’s where my inspiration and intention lies. 

My oh my

I am not saying anything about religion. They speak for themselves.