I was telling myself I had to do things. Then I scheduled them and made them a permanent item on my to-do list. I couldn't get out of them. If I was tired, I was going to be more tired tomorrow, because I was staying up to finish. If I was mentally exhausted, I was pushing through and squeezing out whatever was left in my mind. If I was emotionally drained, I would pick mindless tasks that didn't require me to engage and be aware of my physical body. If I was lonely, I'd say, "what's next?"
Now, I'm doing just as much, maybe more, than I was before, but it's completely different. I want to do these things. I get excited about what I can do, and if I change my mind and want to alter the schedule I had planned, I can do that. All of the things I put into my schedule don't have to be work-related. They can be completely random and produce nothing in particular.
I want to do some of these things with other people, no longer considering socializing trying to avoid what I should be doing. I'm interested in new things. Maybe things I'm already doing will get set on the back-burner so I can try them, or maybe I will just wait until I can make some more space. I'm paying attention to my body and incorporating everything I do into my mental and physical state. I'm adding more people into my life.
I'm curious and keeping a log of things I'd like-to-do, rather than sitting with the frustrating have-to-dos, which exist so far out of my control I can't even entertain the idea of what I'd like to do because "I don't have time".
I'm moving forward.