Sunday, April 17, 2011


There is such a significant difference between being in a place, and being present in a place. Sometimes I think that I'm present but I'm completely in my head, missing everything around me. I might be walking through the woods thinking, "I'm walking through woods, and they are really beautiful", but the act of thinking about the woods actually undermines my experience of the beauty of the woods.

Lately I've become more aware of how frequently I'm present - which is to say, not so much. My lack of focus is a blatant clue. I'm asking to have breakthroughs and to be more expressive, but I'm holding onto the things that keep me unexpressed and unfocused. It feels like laziness, in response to fear. Fear of what, I can't quite articulate. And when I justify being stuck and unable to activate, I've created a self-fulfilling cycle.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a huge pain. I'd love to reframe my thoughts and accept that the things I have been convincing myself I couldn't unstick and had to figure out how to live with can be fixed. But instead of accepting it as a possibility and letting it unfold, I continue to justify my current state of being because I 'don't know what it looks like' to be any other way. I'm starting to literally see the words, as they come out of my mouth, sliding down to my feet and piling up onto one another, building the very wall that I am speaking about not being able to break through.

I get these headaches when I start trying to explain why I'm upset. The words that come out of my mouth don't accurately express what needs to come out, and the frustration and anger lounge around in my head. Anyone have any good exercises to more effectively release anger? I've been willing to admit that it's there and that I want to express it, but I still haven't been successful in making it flow.

On the positive end of things, moments that I have been experiencing when I am present feel more...just more than they used to. So the depth of my presence is increasing, but the consistency with which I am present in the world is still leaving something to be desired.

Presence, kick Fear's ass, please.

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