Presence

There is such a significant difference between being in a place, and being present in a place. Sometimes I think that I'm present but I'm completely in my head, missing everything around me. I might be walking through the woods thinking, "I'm walking through woods, and they are really beautiful", but the act of thinking about the woods actually undermines my experience of the beauty of the woods.

Lately I've become more aware of how frequently I'm present - which is to say, not so much. My lack of focus is a blatant clue. I'm asking to have breakthroughs and to be more expressive, but I'm holding onto the things that keep me unexpressed and unfocused. It feels like laziness, in response to fear. Fear of what, I can't quite articulate. And when I justify being stuck and unable to activate, I've created a self-fulfilling cycle.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a huge pain. I'd love to reframe my thoughts and accept that the things I have been convincing myself I couldn't unstick and had to figure out how to live with can be fixed. But instead of accepting it as a possibility and letting it unfold, I continue to justify my current state of being because I 'don't know what it looks like' to be any other way. I'm starting to literally see the words, as they come out of my mouth, sliding down to my feet and piling up onto one another, building the very wall that I am speaking about not being able to break through.

I get these headaches when I start trying to explain why I'm upset. The words that come out of my mouth don't accurately express what needs to come out, and the frustration and anger lounge around in my head. Anyone have any good exercises to more effectively release anger? I've been willing to admit that it's there and that I want to express it, but I still haven't been successful in making it flow.

On the positive end of things, moments that I have been experiencing when I am present feel more...just more than they used to. So the depth of my presence is increasing, but the consistency with which I am present in the world is still leaving something to be desired.

Presence, kick Fear's ass, please.

When is it Too Late?

I've watched two documentaries on North Korea recently and I am still amazed at how isolated from the outside world it is, how a dictator can be so feared and loved as a God, how they can create something like the Mass Games to show their perfect unity as a country:

This is incredibly beautiful, but when I think about how those dancers in the games practice more hours a day than they get education, and how their only dream in life is to perform for the General, I get the chills. Also, the images changing behind the dancers in the background? Those are people holding cards, thousands of people, turning them around at the exact same time - I kid you not. Watch the documentary State of Mind. 

I understand their hatred of our country - I understand not wanting to disrupt what they see to be perfection. But I also understand that their choice to stay isolated and pure as a country is only one man's choice, and that is highly disturbing. Would people choose to stay if they were exposed to the rest of the world? If they were allowed to have outside news sources? Internet? Cell phones?

There are a lot of people who want to go and 'open their eyes' - to show them what the outside world is like and get North Koreans to defect. I would love to have all of the people understand their options and have a free choice for themselves how they want to live their lives. But I'm also saddened by the hard truth that most of those North Koreans would be so alien to the rest of the world, the Western world specifically, that they would actually choose the life they had. They have generations of isolation, fear, and hatred - that doesn't just disappear with a laptop and some BBC.

I had a conversation with someone recently and we discussed whether or not it would actually be more detrimental to expose these people to the rest of the world, since they are so deeply brainwashed. If it would be more harmful, when or in what capacity could they begin to be exposed to the outside? I certainly don't think the solution is to let them remain isolated, but how could you ease someone into experiencing an alien world - and freedom?

When is it too late? When is it too late to turn someone around? When is it too late to turn your life and perspective around? I'm going to stay positive and say never, but an example like this makes me wonder.

As a side note, I think it's pretty clear that the country has some issues when the leader of the country holds the title Supreme Leader, Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea, Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army, General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission of Worker's Party of North Korea.

I can't even do two part time jobs without feeling overwhelmed. 

Self Pity

Self pity is a real irritation. Those of you who will admit to having fallen prey to this monster many times over will be laughing at that understatement. Although everyone experiences self pity at different times, this wouldn’t be an intriguing blog entry if I simply explained how I have been struggling with it in my recent move. So I have a better approach.

 Alan, a dear friend and Art Director for the non-profit mask dance/theater company, ArcheDream for HUMANKIND (www.adhk.org), wrote an essay on the disadvantages of self pity awhile back. You can find it on his website, here. In it, he thoroughly analyzes this self-inflicted burden, and every time I read it I am able to reflect on self pity’s constant resurgence in my life. Everyone could benefit from reading about themselves from this sort of universal perspective. So often the objective, understanding voices are what guide us to end our painful cycles once and for all. 

What he explains is that self pity’s presence emerges when a person faces a contradiction to their sense of well being. As human beings we dream, hope, and set goals, making commitments to ourselves. But a dilemma arises when we take those dreams and attempt to manifest those goals in the world. "All of us have wished that what is significant for ourselves is also necessary for others" - and when this does not seem to be happening, we begin to fear what might be true of us - namely, that we will not succeed or that we are not good enough. "...against doubt we visualize our goal, and wanting it to happen becomes an expectation designed to negate doubt." Our intention has now gone from natural expression to a panicked insistence that we must succeed to prove our doubts wrong. We are submerged in personal doubt and then fall into guilt as we are too panicked to fulfill on our commitments.

This opens the doorway to see the world as an aggressor on our lives. No longer are we in control of our world, but we are fighting against a world that is causing us suffering. We are now undertaking a ‘noble’ cause to demand recognition for all of the suffering we are being put through. We “take it out on others...those who are not with us are our enemy and we act as though we have suffered a great loss when we have in fact given up [on ourselves]”. 

Mired in our panic and suffering, "fear has a knack of looking like our reality". We are no longer able to see clearly or rationally. The farther we slide into self pity, the farther we are getting from actually taking control of ourselves and our lives - and we go deeper into our self-directed anger. 

What is the result of such self-directed anger and loss of control? A loss of confidence and self worth. "The suicide of self worth ensures a bitter independence, in perfect isolation, dead but not yet buried" and we begin fighting with the persona we have now created which is “cynical self-defense blended with sarcasm”. We are ashamed of ourselves and feel grief because we have not achieved the goals we set out for. Our externally directed anger continues, and we prosecute others to counteract our vulnerability. 

This prosecution of others doesn’t necessarily mean we actually tell them we are placing blame on them. It can mean that we make loved ones feel we resent their support, turning down all possibilities and denying the light at the end of our frightening tunnel. "Fear of Death is popular, but fear of Freedom is a greater terror by far."

Ultimately, our consciousness will continue working to find the gatekeeper of our freedom -  disillusionment. What our disillusionment requires is that we become willing to “accept the unacceptable” about ourselves. To stop feeling shame for those things we don’t understand about ourselves; to admit that all we need to succeed, move forward, and be free, is already within us. We are the only ones stopping ourselves, and as soon as we allow, with all our faults and passions, our true selves to be seen internally and externally, we have found the key to releasing our cycles of self-pity. 

I see myself in his letter, and it's helped a great deal. I hope it will benefit all who read it.