What the Universe Wants For You

Have you ever hoped the world would unfold in a certain unlikely way, and it happened? Every time it happens to me, I gain a little bit more arrogance that I am godlike. I start to believe if I think something hard enough, it will without fail manifest before my eyes. But I haven't yet gained telekenesis, so my arrogance is still manageable.

No, I jest. I am not gaining excessive arrogance, though I am becoming more confident about choice and control. What I'm realizing is that a lot of the negative energy I was receiving from the world was not because the world was giving me negative energy; it was because I wasn't asking for positive energy. I was standing in the neutral zone, too timid to ask for what I needed from the universe.

Well, of course it didn't provide if I didn't ask.

So I've been asking more often. Saying what I need and then I feel magical because what I ask for blossoms around me. It's been very useful in finding my footing physically as well as emotionally. It's clarified my already existing connections, and it's helping to make new connections happen more naturally.

There is, of course, the balance issue. What I need from the universe also comes with what the universe must give me, to keep everything equal.

Aside: I seem to enjoy vague, abstract descriptions, like the above. I had always thought that they sounded really poetic and intriguing, until I started getting feedback in school. My teachers would say that I was speaking too vaguely and I stopped making sense. That input has followed me to this day, in reactions people have when I try to preface an anecdote I'm about to tell them. So now I'll move on to the more coherent anecdote.

The situations I've been choosing for myself recently have been resulting in happiness and abundance. However, they have also come with strange ironies - karmic ironies, as I see it. Most of my relationships are deeply connected and natural with the people around me. But I've also been surrounding myself with people that I have trouble communicating with, people who frustrate me and make me work to work with them. I'd done a bit of slate wiping and starting fresh since my move, and I deliberately intended to eliminate all future frustrating situations relating to interpersonal connections. (Ah, the Idealist.)

Well, I was beginning to think that the universe was telling me that I needed to teach them, or help them connect with others. Trying to be positive - a friend, a mentor. And in one instance, a person who wasn't connecting with me, was treating me with disrespect and immaturity, turned around when I laid down my boundary and held open the space for them to connect with me. So that was part of it.

In another instance, though, the universe is handing me something else entirely. The universe has given me someone who I see regularly, who unequivocally dislikes me. Someone that I can't be reasonable and friendly to and receive emotions in response that are at least neutral.

I try very hard to keep things positive and neutral, if not downright loving with everyone I encounter (this is of course not including strangers and moments of irrationality - I've had my share of blind rage). But the universe seems to demand that I exist for a time without the rational expectation that trying to connect and make peace will evoke a compatible response in another person.

The universe needs to break me of my naivete, so I can fully manifest. And also, the universe is chastising me once again for holding so desperately to my expectations.

It's fair. And I'm going to keep telling the universe what I need - so I'll take it all in stride.

Wishing

I don't hear enough people saying they 'wish they were strong enough to handle and control their negative emotions', so much as they say they 'wish they were happy'. 


They don't as often say they want 'to feel beautiful' - only that they want 'to look beautiful'. 


That they want, 'to really see other people', rather than wanting 'to be famous and have everyone see them'.


 They don't wish for more knowledge so they can decide the best course for themselves and others, so much as they want to be told what they should do. 


Fleeting moments, the latter wishes.


Gotta embody the matter that inhabits the space where your essence resides. 


I like the sound of that sentence.  

Determination

How easy is it to lose your determination? When I think of people who were challenged as children, with situations that were beyond their comprehension and sometimes control, I wonder how much it took for them to lose it. What makes a person fall so deep that they stop being who they are?

Our determination causes our actions, which defines our character. When we stop short and look over the edge, we never take firm action. We won't fight for what we need and our character will be hazy at best.

I've seen people who have lost hope that things can change, or that they can have any effect on their lives. They simply don't believe it's possible that they have any more control over what they feel. They feel the world happening around them, and they are ducking the blows.

I've seen people who give up on themselves altogether and leave the part that has lost determination behind. This is a difficult experience because the person is determined in one part of themselves, but not in another, and rather than bear the weight of their collapsed counterpart, they push on ahead and leave that part of them behind. But they can never be rid of that piece of them, and a struggle ensues within the mind.

I've been motivated to do a lot of things, but I keep stumbling over a distinction between determination and motivation. Motivation happens when I tell myself that something 'should' be acted upon - I give myself the 'reason' or 'motive' that a certain action must occur. Determination only activates once I've given myself enough space to make a choice that I completely commit to - a choice for which I am willing to struggle if necessary. Sometimes I mistake one for the other, and I confuse my intentions.

I am definitely finding that sitting down in a peaceful place and allowing my mind to feel exhalted helps allow my determination to step forth.

I love to be in awe. I love to be fascinated. The beauty of a moment, which reminds me to take a full breath of air; to fill my lungs and experience awareness in every single cooling atom that has brought clarity to my mind - I'm determined to find more ways to speak about that beauty.

Bubbling Stress

I have often experienced anger bubbling up and through me. I've often allowed that to create and sustain stress. As I've been settling in and becoming more relaxed, I have less tension in my back and shoulders than I used to, I get emotional less often, and I have consistent energy.

What's most striking is my newfound ability to fend off stress or anger as it approaches boiling, threatening to shoot up my neck and right into a headache-inducing exclamation of its presence. It used to be that once it made it's ascent, exponentially gaining speed, I was helpless against it. I would get stressed, defensive, and/or emotional. I would feel offended, guilty, or bitter. And the whole time I would hate that I was feeling that way, which would only prolong the cycle.

There have been a few incidents recently where I previously would have unleashed my stress monster, but I evaded it. Driving is always rife with stressful potential, but I find myself less and less with the urge to succumb to road rage like I used to. Of course, being in a place where people give each other the finger less helps as well - it's useful to not fuel the fire - but it's mainly my ability to better control my stress.

The most recent incident was today at work. My landlord came in, angry that we had called the heating company to clean our air filters. The labor costs were higher than what he wanted to pay ($0) and he said that he could have done it just as easily. I explained to him, calmly, that I had spoken with the heating company and they said they were going to talk to him before they came out, since the account was in his name.

He didn't affirm or deny whether they called. Instead, my landlord asked me why we had needed to clean the air filters. Still calmly, I told him I had been having sneezing attacks every time the heater turned on because dust was coming out of the vents. His suggestion was that we should, instead of turning on the heat to get warm from the chilly air outside, open the windows to air out the office.

I took a breath. The monster was brewing in my gut, but I told him to sit back for a minute.

I reminded our landlord that outside was cold and the reason for the heat was to mitigate the effects of said weather. Our patients couldn't be expected to be freezing during a treatment where they need to sit still for 30 minutes. Flustered, he asked if I felt better, now that this expensive air filter service was completed. I told him that yes, I was sneezing noticeably less whenever we turned on the heat.

His response was that it was all in our heads, and the air filter being really dusty and dirty didn't acutally make a difference. He told me that the next time we needed to clean our air filters, he would come do it, not tell us when, and he was sure that we would never even notice that he changed it.

I looked at him without responding. My monster was anxious for a fight, but my head wasn't even interested. It was a surprising difference from what I had come to expect from myself. I focused on this fact, rather than the illogical man in front of me. My other head would have welcomed the monster as he knocked over everything on the shelves to make room for his fat little body. But this time, I just didn't feel like getting frustrated or emotional about something that wasn't worth my stress.

So, I just stared at him.

He pulled back and explained that he wasn't mocking me, but was simply frustrated that it cost so much when he could have done it for us for cheaper even though he didn't feel it needed to be done. I repeated that the heating company was supposed to call him first but they seemed to not have listened. I apologized for the confusion.

He finally realized I wasn't going to succumb to his anger and left.

Then, my monster, though disappointed it didn't get to play, simply abated and settled back into the recesses of wherever he dwells in my core. He still exists and is able to put up a fight, but I have a better relationship with him now that we've had this reality check.

It's a good feeling, to not feel out of control and sucked into an emotional whirlwind; to not feel put-upon by the external world. Even saying this evokes excitement that I really am taking control of myself and choosing how my world unfolds. So long, it's felt as though I've been saying the way I wanted things to be, but that reality wasn't actually happening in the world and I couldn't understand why.

The irony is that I don't understand what I've been doing wrong until I've come around the bend and start doing it right. I rarely know how to do it correctly beforehand, I just have to take the risk and follow my instincts, when they show.

Intuition

I've been reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink. I hadn't known about the book or intended to read it, but I happened to be having a particularly pensive day where I was trying to figure out why it was that sometimes I had a sense of what choices were best and yet I still did not act on them, when I came across the book.

I opened it to a story about a statue that was sold to the Getty museum after it was scientifically determined that it was authentic. However, four or five specialists knew that it was a fake without any scientific study- in fact, they knew it the instant they looked at it, even though they couldn't explain how they knew. It turned out they were right, and Gladwell uses this to lead into his theme - looking at the moment of experience that happens in a blink of an eye when we fully grasp a situation.

The problem is, we aren't always conscious of this moment, because this process is largely unconscious.

Blink explains why we should give more credence to this ability - many times, we can formulate more accurate judgments in one moment than we can after careful deliberation and study.

Of course I got excited about it. Being told that analytical, logical, fully conscious processes can be more harmful than helpful is just what I'm ripe for hearing. Since I've been working on balancing my left and right brain I have been trying to assure myself that even though I still can't always respond without a safety net, I'm on the right track.

I certainly believe in the intuitive mind. There have been many times when I've had a quick insight that something might be going on in a situation, that I understand what a person is feeling even though their emotions suggest otherwise, or that I will have more success if i take a certain action, and it turns out to be right. In fact, I experience it rather frequently.

Retroactively.

Meaning- I know it in the moment and i know how i can act as a result of that knowledge but i act in a different way out of fear, only to experience being incorrect and stewing in the knowledge that my initial urge was what i should have acted on. In these moments, I'm not letting myself play fully, not being completely fluid in my thoughts/actions.

As if in response to this distress call, the book assured me that the intuitive mind can result in faulty behavior. This happens when the left brain shuts it down instantaneously, before it is allowed to fully form as a thought capable of being expressed by the conscious mind. The resulting action is based on half-knowledge, and it looks as thought the intuition was incorrect.

Ah ha! Refer to my recent post on my posture while running. I experienced just that.

Oh silly brain, what clever tricks you play. I'd rather use that wit and quickness for entertaining connversations, rather than using it to build a shield against the very things I enjoy.

So what I'm concluding from all of this - I can't force myself to find deeper clarity within my unconscious, but I can have better control over allowing the uncontrolled understanding in my unconscious (so many un-s!) to enter more freely through the gate into my conscious brain. I must gain more control of the gate, but relinquish control of my intuition.

I have been focusing too much on trying to control my unconscious - and explain it in words. I must have been thinking that if I said enough words, perhaps my unconscious would emerge excitedly and say, "I've been hiding, but your amazing logic talked me out and made my abstract nature more coherent and controllable - thanks!"

My intuition suggests I have control issues.

Bali Art

Self Pity

Self pity is a real irritation. Those of you who will admit to having fallen prey to this monster many times over will be laughing at that understatement. Although everyone experiences self pity at different times, this wouldn’t be an intriguing blog entry if I simply explained how I have been struggling with it in my recent move. So I have a better approach.

 Alan, a dear friend and Art Director for the non-profit mask dance/theater company, ArcheDream for HUMANKIND (www.adhk.org), wrote an essay on the disadvantages of self pity awhile back. You can find it on his website, here. In it, he thoroughly analyzes this self-inflicted burden, and every time I read it I am able to reflect on self pity’s constant resurgence in my life. Everyone could benefit from reading about themselves from this sort of universal perspective. So often the objective, understanding voices are what guide us to end our painful cycles once and for all. 

What he explains is that self pity’s presence emerges when a person faces a contradiction to their sense of well being. As human beings we dream, hope, and set goals, making commitments to ourselves. But a dilemma arises when we take those dreams and attempt to manifest those goals in the world. "All of us have wished that what is significant for ourselves is also necessary for others" - and when this does not seem to be happening, we begin to fear what might be true of us - namely, that we will not succeed or that we are not good enough. "...against doubt we visualize our goal, and wanting it to happen becomes an expectation designed to negate doubt." Our intention has now gone from natural expression to a panicked insistence that we must succeed to prove our doubts wrong. We are submerged in personal doubt and then fall into guilt as we are too panicked to fulfill on our commitments.

This opens the doorway to see the world as an aggressor on our lives. No longer are we in control of our world, but we are fighting against a world that is causing us suffering. We are now undertaking a ‘noble’ cause to demand recognition for all of the suffering we are being put through. We “take it out on others...those who are not with us are our enemy and we act as though we have suffered a great loss when we have in fact given up [on ourselves]”. 

Mired in our panic and suffering, "fear has a knack of looking like our reality". We are no longer able to see clearly or rationally. The farther we slide into self pity, the farther we are getting from actually taking control of ourselves and our lives - and we go deeper into our self-directed anger. 

What is the result of such self-directed anger and loss of control? A loss of confidence and self worth. "The suicide of self worth ensures a bitter independence, in perfect isolation, dead but not yet buried" and we begin fighting with the persona we have now created which is “cynical self-defense blended with sarcasm”. We are ashamed of ourselves and feel grief because we have not achieved the goals we set out for. Our externally directed anger continues, and we prosecute others to counteract our vulnerability. 

This prosecution of others doesn’t necessarily mean we actually tell them we are placing blame on them. It can mean that we make loved ones feel we resent their support, turning down all possibilities and denying the light at the end of our frightening tunnel. "Fear of Death is popular, but fear of Freedom is a greater terror by far."

Ultimately, our consciousness will continue working to find the gatekeeper of our freedom -  disillusionment. What our disillusionment requires is that we become willing to “accept the unacceptable” about ourselves. To stop feeling shame for those things we don’t understand about ourselves; to admit that all we need to succeed, move forward, and be free, is already within us. We are the only ones stopping ourselves, and as soon as we allow, with all our faults and passions, our true selves to be seen internally and externally, we have found the key to releasing our cycles of self-pity. 

I see myself in his letter, and it's helped a great deal. I hope it will benefit all who read it.