I was telling myself I had to do things. Then I scheduled them and made them a permanent item on my to-do list. I couldn't get out of them. If I was tired, I was going to be more tired tomorrow, because I was staying up to finish. If I was mentally exhausted, I was pushing through and squeezing out whatever was left in my mind. If I was emotionally drained, I would pick mindless tasks that didn't require me to engage and be aware of my physical body. If I was lonely, I'd say, "what's next?"
Now, I'm doing just as much, maybe more, than I was before, but it's completely different. I want to do these things. I get excited about what I can do, and if I change my mind and want to alter the schedule I had planned, I can do that. All of the things I put into my schedule don't have to be work-related. They can be completely random and produce nothing in particular.
I want to do some of these things with other people, no longer considering socializing trying to avoid what I should be doing. I'm interested in new things. Maybe things I'm already doing will get set on the back-burner so I can try them, or maybe I will just wait until I can make some more space. I'm paying attention to my body and incorporating everything I do into my mental and physical state. I'm adding more people into my life.
I'm curious and keeping a log of things I'd like-to-do, rather than sitting with the frustrating have-to-dos, which exist so far out of my control I can't even entertain the idea of what I'd like to do because "I don't have time".
I'm moving forward.
Showing posts with label plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plan. Show all posts
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Expectations
I have a really difficult time not setting expectations. No matter what I’m doing - whether it’s applying for a job and expecting that I will at least get a call because I am qualified, or setting my schedule for the day and expecting that all will go according to plan. Sometimes expectations seem harmless enough, but as soon as things go against expectations, my stress level skyrockets.
I don’t think everyone is as easily triggered into stress, but I do think that people set expectations too often. A lot of miscommunication or lack of communication is due to personal expectations not being met and people internally freaking out about it. I’ve certainly gotten frustrated with myself or others because an expectation that I arbitrarily carved into stone was not met.
The distinction I’ve been trying to make is between expectation and intention. I’ve been having a little bit of trouble because even when I think I’m setting my intentions for a certain outcome, I’m actually just setting a wishful expectation. So more often than not, my expectation is not met because I didn’t really choose for the universe to unfold a certain way. With intention, at least from what I have gathered, a person reaches deep into themselves to set an intention - and the world unfolds before them to offer those possibilities as a reality that they can choose. Expectation, on the other hand, is a hope that the world will unfold as you wish it would. Deciding that something ‘should’ or ‘will’ happen and then just going along and keeping an eye on it, becoming frustrated when it doesn’t happen as anticipated is much different from being the puppeteer and actively guiding that something down the path to make your world happen as you intended.
I see the distinction. And I’ve been trying to acknowledge when I am actively setting an intention. Finding a job, for instance. I’ve been telling myself that I am competent and would be a great employee in a number of different jobs. But I keep becoming disheartened and frustrated when the places I’m really interested in working for either don’t get back to me or ‘go another way’. Becoming disheartened is the issue. How do I maintain my internal self-worth and not feel beaten down? I’m suspecting if I set my intention, rather than just expecting to get a call back because I ‘should’, I might be getting more responses and more positive results.
But I’m not sure how to shift that. When I’m setting expectations, sometimes I’m having a hard time even acknowledging that’s what they are. When I expect something and I demand that it happen, my mind distorts this forceful, false confidence and considers it honest intention. Agh.
So today I will work on recognizing my constant expectation-setting and try to set more deliberate intentions. And of course, improving my confidence by believing I am more than able to set correct and powerful intentions. Ah, easier said than done.
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