Finding Interest

I was telling myself I had to do things. Then I scheduled them and made them a permanent item on my to-do list. I couldn't get out of them. If I was tired, I was going to be more tired tomorrow, because I was staying up to finish. If I was mentally exhausted, I was pushing through and squeezing out whatever was left in my mind. If I was emotionally drained, I would pick mindless tasks that didn't require me to engage and be aware of my physical body. If I was lonely, I'd say, "what's next?"

Now, I'm doing just as much, maybe more, than I was before, but it's completely different. I want to do these things. I get excited about what I can do, and if I change my mind and want to alter the schedule I had planned, I can do that. All of the things I put into my schedule don't have to be work-related. They can be completely random and produce nothing in particular.

I want to do some of these things with other people, no longer considering socializing trying to avoid what I should be doing. I'm interested in new things. Maybe things I'm already doing will get set on the back-burner so I can try them, or maybe I will just wait until I can make some more space. I'm paying attention to my body and incorporating everything I do into my mental and physical state. I'm adding more people into my life.

I'm curious and keeping a log of things I'd like-to-do, rather than sitting with the frustrating have-to-dos, which exist so far out of my control I can't even entertain the idea of what I'd like to do because "I don't have time".

I'm moving forward.

Deeds and Words

Being the Statesman

Ok. I don't want to get deep into the political conversation, because politics in this country makes me want to switch on Apathetic and put in some earplugs. But I have been keeping up with this Tucson thing, have had a few conversations, and I'd like to speak briefly about our clarity.

I think it's pretty clear that we are a pale comparison of the democracy our founders intended. Democracy is meant to stimulate debate and discussion, in order to come to a decision, through compromise. Currently, all I see are arguments screamed loud enough to drown the other out, without the slightest hint of intent to reach a decision.

"We will not be stopped from celebrating the greatness of our country and our foundational freedoms by those who mock its greatness by being intolerant of opinion and seeking to muzzle dissent with shrill cries of imagined insults."

I have a hard time understanding how Sarah Palin doesn't see that she is what she describes. To be fair, the yelling and defensiveness is happening on all sides. But Palin specifically has earned our focus this week. And I don't know if, "Don't Retreat - Reload!" is celebrating greatness - sounds more like being the bully to people who don't share opinions, rather than having a conversation with them and REALLY TRYING to understand why they don't agree with you. Either way, let's continue the clarity - screaming at each other, getting defensive and tossing out threats is not democracy.

As to the 'blood libel' comment - let's not forget that Sarah Palin says a lot of stupid things. I'm not sure if her speech writer is just as ignorant of politics as her or if she ignores the speeches they write, but she doesn't evoke intelligent deliberation. Being a non-Jew talking about a Jewish woman and using the term 'blood libel' - really ridiculous, but I expect nothing less from her. Perhaps she wanted to try to 'take back' the phrase; if that's the case, she's really gotta work on her timing.

In her favor, however, she just isn't presidential material. And that is in her favor, because it releases her from her missteps. She was put into the Vice-Presidential candidate role without any grounds for it, and she has since become no more of a Presidential candidate.

I had a conversation with one of my patients the other day. He is a person living in San Francisco who likes Palin and the Tea Party (they exist, but they are rare). I was eager to have a deeper conversation about his opinions and was, as expected, disappointed. Why was he a supporter? Because he is a Republican and he has no idea what is going on in politics. He just knows that he should dislike Obama and like the Tea Party. He asked ME to tell him what the Tea Party believed in. I hope all political sentiments aren't borne this way. But I'm sure many are.

He asked me why I disliked Palin, and I explained to him that she didn't have the ability to be a statesman/stateswoman. For better or for worse, if you don't like Obama, you have to admit he has that ability. He's chosen the 'voice' that he uses to communicate with the country - it's an idealistic voice, similar to Kennedy. Perhaps that isn't your particular preference for a leader - maybe you just want an aggressive voice which takes you under its wing. What Obama's words are doing can be uncomfortable - he is deeply trying to turn the mirror inwards on the American citizens, and to help them re-set their moral compasses.

Sure, with the state of our society now, where the majority of people want to be taken care of and not have any personal responsibility, I can see why people balk at Obama's mirror. Fear of taking on responsibilities and motivating oneself daily is bad enough, but to expand that and make each person responsible for the attitude of a community, society, country - most people become too overwhelmed and want to relieve themselves. They put it on their leaders - so the blame is on anyone but them when something happens they don't like.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep a neutral political tone - any person, regardless of political ideologies, who stepped up and spoke in a voice that acknowledged the responsibilities inherent in each person and encouraged everyone to take more control of the way their world functions, I would respect. 

We are nit-picking. We aren't looking at the bigger picture and we aren't asking enough questions to which we actually want the answers. When we become too frightened of what it would mean if we ask a question and get an affirmative response, because then we'd be obligated to take action - we've lost the ability to be in the world fully, to form fair and informed opinions. 

When we can no longer ask why, we are no longer individuals. 

When we stop listening and repeat only what we've heard, blaming the 'other' rather than seeing how we are responsible for the state of affairs we are mired in - we are no longer a functioning brain.

We might as well be robots.

To laugh at oneself

Being able to laugh at oneself is a sign of strength. I enjoy laughing, and making people laugh, but laughing at behavior that causes me to embarrass or anger myself is not exactly forthcoming.

Being able to laugh about your actions is also a sign of personal leniency. If I am unable to laugh at mistakes I've made, most likely it is because I am reprimanding myself for not living up to the standards of how I 'should' have behaved, or what was the 'correct' action.

And ultimately, being able to laugh at yourself means you will, in all things, bring more laughter into your life.

There's a sense of relief when you can laugh at something you've done, that you feel upset or ashamed about. Letting yourself off the hook, fully understanding where you went wrong and allowing it to pass with the intentions that you will try to avoid falling into that trap again is what laughter at yourself is intended to do.

'Letting go' is a skill that everyone should be constantly cultivating. I've experienced so much freedom, even in these past months of trying to understand myself better and bring forth more personal expression, by being able to let go of things. When I recognize a pattern of behavior that I've held onto with an iron grip my whole life, and I choose to let it go, I've been shocked by how easily it falls away. When I admit that something isn't working and let it go even though I may not know what will take its place, something settles comfortably into the space that I've struggled so hard not to leave wide open.

Creating space is frightening. It leaves you vulnerable and you may not know what will fill it - or when. Once space is created, however, I've been amazed to see that this space is exactly what I've been needing, more than solutions and immediate answers.

If nothing else, create space so you can sit in it, look at yourself, and laugh. Once I've admitted to everything I've been defensively trying to ignore, that's when I've been able to see it doesn't define me. Only the choice to defend with our life those things that we don't want to hold on to is what defines us. When we take responsibility, let go, and choose a new direction, we are that new direction, not the past.

Humans are so strange and convoluted sometimes. Allowing our failures to haunt us has become some crazy survival mechanism. People justify keeping these memories around so they remember without a shadow of a doubt what not to do, but it's actually not beneficial or necessary. If we've already done something and know it wasn't working, when we try something new we will instinctively go for a different approach. Whether or not habitual elements return to our processes, ultimately we will be moving forward in a new direction and towards a new way of being.

That is, only if we've understood our first approach well enough to laugh about it.

Choice

"There is no way my action or omission can avoid affecting other people. My sheer physical presence in the universe affects other people."


I found this quote on the all-knowing Internet and enjoyed it. It definitely expresses what I've been slowly coming to realize. Inaction based in fear seems to be an easy escape - but in reality there is no hiding away or escaping. No matter how hidden we feel, we are always laid bare in the middle of the Universe. 


I then began musing about choice. I started poking around on the Internet about the subject and found a large percentage of choice related articles referring to morality and responsibility. What of the limits of morality? When are we responsible, and when are we not to blame? 


Like a proper new-age thinker, my relieving response is that there is no right or wrong, so you can never be blamed. Limits and 'shoulds' are arbitrary, and vary from culture to culture. Sure, there are morals laid down in every culture, but their ultimate viability is nothing more than leaders maintaining an intentional structure that they've created. It trickles down and sometimes isn't easily seen as a constructed framework of 'shoulds', but it's always there. 


What does this do for us, to consider that there is no right or wrong and we can't be blamed for acting incorrectly? Does it make us feel energized, able to do anything because we have been relived of stresses and guilt related to an incompatibility with what others say we should do, and what actually feels natural? A lot of times, no. A lot of times, it causes more fear. What's more scary than knowing that anything is possible, and you can't be wrong? 


This: regardless of the fact that you can't be wrong, other people will still decide you are wrong and judge you. You will still have regular opportunities to feel as though you are failing, because devoid of outside morality, you create an internal morality from which to judge yourself by. And the subjective becomes more blinding than the objective. So an infinitely free person begins to box themselves in and create a bounded encasement from which they cannot be successful in escaping from. 


And for me, this is why people band together and create 'rules'. Those people who don't want to take on the 'burden' of dictating their own actions want to be told what they should do, and other people like to tell others what they should do - sometimes because they really can help others, and sometimes because their ego decides that telling other people what to do will somehow justify their choices, which they are insecure about. So it can be successful if those people in power are really able to lead others to find their own strength, rather than taking advantage of their fears. 


For those who read my blog regularly, I apologize for any repetitive thoughts I may share. This is all constantly in my mind and sometimes it flows through a few times.


On another note, if you'd like to see an inspiring talk about creativity that I got to see in person, check this out: