Monday, November 22, 2010


Yesterday I came up against a number of walls - regarding my creativity, socializing and making myself known. 

It’s clear that I’m having fears about being social within my new context. Right now, my social inclination is to discuss my struggles and the goals I am setting in motion despite my fears. I’d like to get feedback on the clarity of those goals and suggestions about how to better take the reins to make things happen. I’d also be interested to hear about others’ processes - what struggles they are going through in achieving self-expression, what inspires their discussion with other people, how they motivate themselves to bring something out of nothing, etc.
Those sorts of conversations don’t typically happen when you meet someone for the first time, in my experience. It’s true, though, that the Bay area possibly has a wide population of people that are receptive to such conversations - and there are exceptions elsewhere too. But I feel stuck, and don’t feel overly motivated to go out and socialize with people because I worry that more often than not, I will encounter people who don’t really want to understand the person they are talking to.
This feels a little like I’m waiting for the perfect situation to come around and am not willing to work with and adapt to a situation. Of course someone I meet may not be a dear friend the first time we interact, but it can still develop into something wonderful - I see that. So I recognize that I am using the excuse that people are a certain way, coupled with my insistence that I really do prefer to be alone, to keep myself from moving forward. I’m faced with a motivational struggle.
Sometimes I am really focused and intent on bringing something into being; wanting to come out west and refocus my creative practices is a good example. Other times, I worry that what I am intending on bringing into being isn’t really what I am passionate about, because if I were, I wouldn’t be able to question it at all. At these times, my ego jumps into the mix and tells me that I can just sit back and not worry about it - if I just don’t do anything, I won’t have to face any fears or doubts. 
Maybe so, but there won’t be any progress either, and I’ve experienced stagnation. I know I don’t enjoy it, but in fear of risking myself I find myself trapped in a tricky game - take a chance with the possibility of failure (but also success), or choose defeat so I can be in control of the outcome. 
Put like that, I'd never choose the game. But yet I keep playing it. 
Of course I enjoy being by myself, but I do enjoy people as well - and I’m going to be involved in social interactions whether I initiate them or not. So it’s a matter of choosing to be an active participant in a social interaction, rather than pretend that I’m not there and lose that something that can be gained from every human connection. 
So many things, easier written than done. 
Another area where I am maintaining my stuck-ness is in the realm of expression and play. I’m having a really difficult time motivating myself to sit in my room and let whatever comes out of me express itself. I’m hesitating to see the ugly, frustrated, chaotic side of myself and I know that’s keeping me from full and balanced expression. It’s scary to do, and so hard to motivate and not distract myself since I am the only one around to hold myself accountable. It’s harder to insist on personal accountability when the level of fear is increased. So I’m trying to figure out how I can best face those sides of myself. 
Breaking down walls. That’s really the conversation I want to have with everyone I meet. How do you break down walls in your life? It’s different for everyone, of course, but everyone has to face them. Face them or deny their existence and end up feeling out of control and helpless, in stagnation. If I don’t break down these walls I’m only headed towards the latter and I really should be scared of that more than anything else. 

I'll probably break through rather than walk through, but this is a cool sculpture

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