Presence

There is such a significant difference between being in a place, and being present in a place. Sometimes I think that I'm present but I'm completely in my head, missing everything around me. I might be walking through the woods thinking, "I'm walking through woods, and they are really beautiful", but the act of thinking about the woods actually undermines my experience of the beauty of the woods.

Lately I've become more aware of how frequently I'm present - which is to say, not so much. My lack of focus is a blatant clue. I'm asking to have breakthroughs and to be more expressive, but I'm holding onto the things that keep me unexpressed and unfocused. It feels like laziness, in response to fear. Fear of what, I can't quite articulate. And when I justify being stuck and unable to activate, I've created a self-fulfilling cycle.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a huge pain. I'd love to reframe my thoughts and accept that the things I have been convincing myself I couldn't unstick and had to figure out how to live with can be fixed. But instead of accepting it as a possibility and letting it unfold, I continue to justify my current state of being because I 'don't know what it looks like' to be any other way. I'm starting to literally see the words, as they come out of my mouth, sliding down to my feet and piling up onto one another, building the very wall that I am speaking about not being able to break through.

I get these headaches when I start trying to explain why I'm upset. The words that come out of my mouth don't accurately express what needs to come out, and the frustration and anger lounge around in my head. Anyone have any good exercises to more effectively release anger? I've been willing to admit that it's there and that I want to express it, but I still haven't been successful in making it flow.

On the positive end of things, moments that I have been experiencing when I am present feel more...just more than they used to. So the depth of my presence is increasing, but the consistency with which I am present in the world is still leaving something to be desired.

Presence, kick Fear's ass, please.

Needing to Listen

I've been lagging on writing lately, mostly because I realize that I'm not listening enough. I keep writing words, words, words, and my calculating mind assumes that if I write enough words I will finally come to an understanding of what I need to express. But what I need to express should be expressed of its own accord - and the act of trying to figure out what I need to say is creating the very wall that my creativity can't seem to break through.

I want to share new ideas and funny/interesting things on my blog and I will return to that. But for now I'm trying to let go of some 'shoulds'. As usual, I start to make creative acts into scheduled 'to-dos'. Blogging became that and therefore I have been unable to speak from a place of spontaneity and honesty. It's become, "I should write a new post - what should I write about?" Too many shoulds, and less interesting posts as a result.

My mind understands, and that understanding is what undermines me. When I find a new way of unearthing my creativity, I turn it into a task that I 'must do' in order to 'become creative'. It filters into my schedule and it becomes a checklist item, rather than...well, the problem is I can't seem to figure out what place it would hold, if not as an item that I need to accomplish.

Play? Play is undirected and my mind gets instantly triggered into thinking, 'if you 'just' play, you won't really get anything accomplished, so it's no different than sitting around reading a book - so let's do that instead.' Not so, I know. Being able to play and improving my play is deepening my creative practice. So why is it that I know this - at least, intuitively do - but it doesn't seem to make a difference?

Someone recently asked me if I was committed to overcoming these obstacles, these walls that I create for myself - as I talk myself in all directions and make justifications for the way I am; as I say that I want to be a certain way; as I say that I want to play more and open space for my creativity; as I say that I want to let go of all of the structure that has built itself up in my mind.

Of course I said yes.

Saying it doesn't make it so. And I keep discouraging myself from actually making it so by saying that I don't know 'what it looks like' to be fully committed to it. And if I don't know what it looks like, I can't do it.

I wish I could say that now that I've explained this it's helped me gain clarity about how to play without feeling I 'should', to speak from the creative heart and not filter it, to express my anger and disagreement so I can present myself to the world in a balanced way, to drop the structure when I go into a creative zone, and to understand what I want and need, in every moment.

Truth is, I'm still thinking, "I don't know what it looks like".

Walls

Yesterday I came up against a number of walls - regarding my creativity, socializing and making myself known. 

It’s clear that I’m having fears about being social within my new context. Right now, my social inclination is to discuss my struggles and the goals I am setting in motion despite my fears. I’d like to get feedback on the clarity of those goals and suggestions about how to better take the reins to make things happen. I’d also be interested to hear about others’ processes - what struggles they are going through in achieving self-expression, what inspires their discussion with other people, how they motivate themselves to bring something out of nothing, etc.

Those sorts of conversations don’t typically happen when you meet someone for the first time, in my experience. It’s true, though, that the Bay area possibly has a wide population of people that are receptive to such conversations - and there are exceptions elsewhere too. But I feel stuck, and don’t feel overly motivated to go out and socialize with people because I worry that more often than not, I will encounter people who don’t really want to understand the person they are talking to.

This feels a little like I’m waiting for the perfect situation to come around and am not willing to work with and adapt to a situation. Of course someone I meet may not be a dear friend the first time we interact, but it can still develop into something wonderful - I see that. So I recognize that I am using the excuse that people are a certain way, coupled with my insistence that I really do prefer to be alone, to keep myself from moving forward. I’m faced with a motivational struggle.

Sometimes I am really focused and intent on bringing something into being; wanting to come out west and refocus my creative practices is a good example. Other times, I worry that what I am intending on bringing into being isn’t really what I am passionate about, because if I were, I wouldn’t be able to question it at all. At these times, my ego jumps into the mix and tells me that I can just sit back and not worry about it - if I just don’t do anything, I won’t have to face any fears or doubts. 

Maybe so, but there won’t be any progress either, and I’ve experienced stagnation. I know I don’t enjoy it, but in fear of risking myself I find myself trapped in a tricky game - take a chance with the possibility of failure (but also success), or choose defeat so I can be in control of the outcome. 

Put like that, I'd never choose the game. But yet I keep playing it. 

Of course I enjoy being by myself, but I do enjoy people as well - and I’m going to be involved in social interactions whether I initiate them or not. So it’s a matter of choosing to be an active participant in a social interaction, rather than pretend that I’m not there and lose that something that can be gained from every human connection. 

So many things, easier written than done. 

Another area where I am maintaining my stuck-ness is in the realm of expression and play. I’m having a really difficult time motivating myself to sit in my room and let whatever comes out of me express itself. I’m hesitating to see the ugly, frustrated, chaotic side of myself and I know that’s keeping me from full and balanced expression. It’s scary to do, and so hard to motivate and not distract myself since I am the only one around to hold myself accountable. It’s harder to insist on personal accountability when the level of fear is increased. So I’m trying to figure out how I can best face those sides of myself. 

Breaking down walls. That’s really the conversation I want to have with everyone I meet. How do you break down walls in your life? It’s different for everyone, of course, but everyone has to face them. Face them or deny their existence and end up feeling out of control and helpless, in stagnation. If I don’t break down these walls I’m only headed towards the latter and I really should be scared of that more than anything else. 

I'll probably break through rather than walk through, but this is a cool sculpture