Battering Ram

I had a strange encounter with myself the other day while I was running. Recently, I've been experiencing some hip pain after running and I've been trying to figure out how to alleviate the problem. I determined that I must be running incorrectly and my body has been experiencing undue pressure on certain joints and muscles because of this. Therefore, I decided to make this run about figuring out what I was doing.

I think the best way to share this story and the surprising effect of the experience is to try to tell it as a train of thought, as I was experiencing it.
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I'm running, trying to pay attention to the distribution of weight that I am putting on each foot as I land on it.

It seems like my right foot is getting a little more weight on the outside of the foot. That's probably not correct. I don't think running on the toes or the heels would be right, but it also seems heavy-hitting to land directly on the middle of my foot. And of course, my left foot isn't doing the same thing - my left foot is hitting the ground pretty much straight on.

Ok, let's see.

(I start running with my right foot turned in slightly, making it strike on the ground in perfect connection with the middle of the foot)

Hmm, yes that does seem to make my hip feel better...

(About a minute later)

I'm starting to feel my hip again, I wonder why.

Did I fall back into my old running position? I thought I was paying attention and holding onto it correctly.

Oh.

Wait.

I'm holding myself up from my hip muscles. That must be why I'm feeling this pain in my hips.

Am I compensating for putting full weight on my right foot?

(Releasing my hip muscle and putting the full weight on my right foot)

I feel like my hip is twitching! I keep trying to release the muscles that are holding, and they keep trying to grip again. Grrrr.....

(Thirty seconds later)

Man, now there's a pain in my right foot.

That's kind of familiar...

Oh - I have a fallen arch in that foot, don't I? I remember that was a pretty big deal when I was a kid, but it went away.

Or so I apparently thought.

Huh. I must have been compensating by holding myself up at the hip so I wasn't putting full pressure on my right foot and causing pain. Must have thought I didn't have that arch problem anymore, but really I masked it with masterful 'throw-a-newspaper-over-the-spill-and-it's-not-there-anymore' skills.

I have shoes with good arch support, but I think I'm going to need something even more supportive in my right foot.

Ah ha, that's an interesting discovery.

(One second later)

Ack! Whoa! Jeez, mud! You almost made me slip. It's been so rainy lately. Falling on my face would have been unpleasant.

(Ten seconds later)

Ow, my hip is hurting again. Jeez, I can't keep putting so much weight on my feet. I need to hold myself up by my core.

(Tighten my hip muscles)

Yeah, that's what I should be doing but, ow...that hurts more. Maybe I'm not squeezing tight enough.

(Tighten and release muscles, tighten them more)

Um....

(Start walking)

Wait a minute....
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Ok, so here's where we come back to third person narration. Either you're thinking I'm a complete moron, or a goldfish. And yes, I realize my hip muscles are not the same as my core. However, I won't give myself the benefit of the doubt and assume that I'm either (although I do agree that I could focus better, as a general rule). What I recognize here is that beloved enemy of mine - my logical/left-brained mind.

Somehow, I seem to think that I should just stick with what I know. Apparently my logical mind thinks that any information it has is the correct, and best, information, and trying to replace it with something else is inefficient and offensive. Therefore, anything that comes onto my radar suggesting that I have to change that which I've made deeply habitual is not worth listening to - well, maybe it is worth listening to for a short period of time, to experience wonderment and excitement at solving a problem to appeal to my ego, but then Lefty just convinces me to revert back to business as usual.

I'm a little miffed at my logical mind, to be honest. But I also have to accept responsibility for letting it run so wild. I was shocked that a simple jolt, or distraction, was enough for my left brain to manipulate the disturbance almost instantaneously and put things back the way it wanted it.

It's much harder to catch instantaneous switches like that, but now that I'm aware and on the lookout, my hope is that these behaviors will become easier to see. And then, I will be able to run correctly and stop upsetting my hips. And I will stop reverting to habitual emotional behaviors that are equally detrimental.

Running is becoming a great analogy for how I'm living my life. I love when unexpected circumstances are what teach us about those things we've been looking for in a seemingly more obvious place.

Grubbs Artist

As a side note, there aren't many Google-able paintings out there of runners. Just saying. 

To laugh at oneself

Being able to laugh at oneself is a sign of strength. I enjoy laughing, and making people laugh, but laughing at behavior that causes me to embarrass or anger myself is not exactly forthcoming.

Being able to laugh about your actions is also a sign of personal leniency. If I am unable to laugh at mistakes I've made, most likely it is because I am reprimanding myself for not living up to the standards of how I 'should' have behaved, or what was the 'correct' action.

And ultimately, being able to laugh at yourself means you will, in all things, bring more laughter into your life.

There's a sense of relief when you can laugh at something you've done, that you feel upset or ashamed about. Letting yourself off the hook, fully understanding where you went wrong and allowing it to pass with the intentions that you will try to avoid falling into that trap again is what laughter at yourself is intended to do.

'Letting go' is a skill that everyone should be constantly cultivating. I've experienced so much freedom, even in these past months of trying to understand myself better and bring forth more personal expression, by being able to let go of things. When I recognize a pattern of behavior that I've held onto with an iron grip my whole life, and I choose to let it go, I've been shocked by how easily it falls away. When I admit that something isn't working and let it go even though I may not know what will take its place, something settles comfortably into the space that I've struggled so hard not to leave wide open.

Creating space is frightening. It leaves you vulnerable and you may not know what will fill it - or when. Once space is created, however, I've been amazed to see that this space is exactly what I've been needing, more than solutions and immediate answers.

If nothing else, create space so you can sit in it, look at yourself, and laugh. Once I've admitted to everything I've been defensively trying to ignore, that's when I've been able to see it doesn't define me. Only the choice to defend with our life those things that we don't want to hold on to is what defines us. When we take responsibility, let go, and choose a new direction, we are that new direction, not the past.

Humans are so strange and convoluted sometimes. Allowing our failures to haunt us has become some crazy survival mechanism. People justify keeping these memories around so they remember without a shadow of a doubt what not to do, but it's actually not beneficial or necessary. If we've already done something and know it wasn't working, when we try something new we will instinctively go for a different approach. Whether or not habitual elements return to our processes, ultimately we will be moving forward in a new direction and towards a new way of being.

That is, only if we've understood our first approach well enough to laugh about it.