Needing to Listen

I've been lagging on writing lately, mostly because I realize that I'm not listening enough. I keep writing words, words, words, and my calculating mind assumes that if I write enough words I will finally come to an understanding of what I need to express. But what I need to express should be expressed of its own accord - and the act of trying to figure out what I need to say is creating the very wall that my creativity can't seem to break through.

I want to share new ideas and funny/interesting things on my blog and I will return to that. But for now I'm trying to let go of some 'shoulds'. As usual, I start to make creative acts into scheduled 'to-dos'. Blogging became that and therefore I have been unable to speak from a place of spontaneity and honesty. It's become, "I should write a new post - what should I write about?" Too many shoulds, and less interesting posts as a result.

My mind understands, and that understanding is what undermines me. When I find a new way of unearthing my creativity, I turn it into a task that I 'must do' in order to 'become creative'. It filters into my schedule and it becomes a checklist item, rather than...well, the problem is I can't seem to figure out what place it would hold, if not as an item that I need to accomplish.

Play? Play is undirected and my mind gets instantly triggered into thinking, 'if you 'just' play, you won't really get anything accomplished, so it's no different than sitting around reading a book - so let's do that instead.' Not so, I know. Being able to play and improving my play is deepening my creative practice. So why is it that I know this - at least, intuitively do - but it doesn't seem to make a difference?

Someone recently asked me if I was committed to overcoming these obstacles, these walls that I create for myself - as I talk myself in all directions and make justifications for the way I am; as I say that I want to be a certain way; as I say that I want to play more and open space for my creativity; as I say that I want to let go of all of the structure that has built itself up in my mind.

Of course I said yes.

Saying it doesn't make it so. And I keep discouraging myself from actually making it so by saying that I don't know 'what it looks like' to be fully committed to it. And if I don't know what it looks like, I can't do it.

I wish I could say that now that I've explained this it's helped me gain clarity about how to play without feeling I 'should', to speak from the creative heart and not filter it, to express my anger and disagreement so I can present myself to the world in a balanced way, to drop the structure when I go into a creative zone, and to understand what I want and need, in every moment.

Truth is, I'm still thinking, "I don't know what it looks like".

Being on vacation

The idea of being on vacation has quite a powerful effect on the mind. I could be sitting at home with all the time in the world or sitting in a hotel room, on vacation. In which scenario will I feel more relaxed and utilize my time more efficiently? Ironically, in the comfort of my own home I have access to more tools of creativity and more wide blocks of time at my disposal. But, when I'm on vacation, so is my mind.

Eating a meal becomes an exciting event, and when there's time in between touristy adventures, I can write a blog entry or practice guitar and it's fun rather than practice. It's apparently the only time I really allow myself to stop with scheduling and task completion for longer than an hour or two. Gotta figure out how to see life as the vacation.

My creativity has been flowing. I've been going through phases where I write a lot, a lot of it being useless and potentially meaningless, but some things are worthwhile. This, ultimately, is the best approach because in an abundance of rubbish there are at least some things that are inspiring. Conversely, if you have only two pieces of rubbish, your chances of finding inspiration becomes less.

But I also go through stages of observance (while also hoping this isn't giving a fancy word to laziness). In these stages I'm writing less, but I'm a little more exposed in the world, going out a little more, and having conversations or sitting quietly and thinking, rather than keeping my mind attached to the end of a pencil (figuratively, of course - who uses pencils anymore? :-p)

I think now that I've been writing more and I'm gaining more of a sense of how to express my thoughts in a coherent, hopefully engaging way, I'm not needing to write every word that comes through my mind. Anyway, my mind's probably too much to handle, like Charlie Sheen's - you'd all be like, dude, take it back! - ok, that was just a necessary, timely reference.

Aside from the fears that if I don't trap my thoughts right away they will disappear, I think it doesn't hurt for an idea to stew and evolve a little bit before being brought into existence.

So that's my theory in this stage, where I've been less exposed. I've also been quite busy in the work ways, and having a vacation in the middle of it has been nice. I was allowing myself to sink into the hole of endless tasks again - I really have to keep a reign on that.

Well, I've reset and recharged - tomorrow is a new day.

Gillian Anderson Interview

Recently, I went back with my boyfriend and watched most of the XFiles series. The last seasons start to plummet downhill at an exponential rate, so we almost made it through Season 7. Although they lost fuel to continue a government-conspiracy-cover-up-from-alien-plans-to-colonization-Earth plot line, they stretched it as thin as they could until they just weren't able to pretend anymore. 

I was feeling curious about Gillian Anderson's life outside of the XFiles. I found an interview with her and some of her comments about living in America were quite interesting (she's been back and forth between here and London her whole life):

 "It's easier to be myself here. I can go out wearing whatever the hell I want, no matter how ridiculous it looks. If I do that in America, people look at me like I'm insane. There are aspects of the British press which are incredibly intrusive, but then you'll go to a premiere and someone will ask permission to take a photo, and when you say, "That's enough", they'll back off. In the States, you go to a restaurant and there are people lined up outside with 8x10s of you. Or they just follow you with a video camera. I had someone deliberately rear-end my car a few years ago in L.A., and there was a video camera: they were videoing my reaction. Luckily, I was in a good mood.

I know people who are embarrassed to be American. They don't like showing their passports. It's becoming a scary place. It takes someone very brave not to be quiet, someone who doesn't mind death threats, their life being turned upside down, news cameras outside their door. There is no freedom of speech in America anymore. They are not living up to the constitution. There's so much fear in America and control."

Maybe Americans don't see it as much within the country, but I've definitely seen people not wanting to admit they are American when they travel outside the country. Their usual cover up is Canada, since the accents are close. 

Sometimes it's real embarrassment for the country as a whole, but other times it's just wanting to not be associated with certain images:

Gillian offers a distressing insight. Take Egypt, for example. They've just succeeded in overthrowing a dictatorial regime through revolution, so they can live a free, democratic life. Their most powerful guidepost, however, the United States, has citizens that don't feel free, feel fear to tell the truth, and want to deny they are Americans when they leave the country?

Everything is good in theory - but when it's put in the hands of flawed human beings and brought into reality, it never looks quite the same. 

On the positive, our democratic society has access to a cornucopia of knowledge and has significant personal freedoms compared to most people. That's worthy of inspiring others to ask for what they deserve as human beings. Even if this change doesn't result in a completely ideal world for the Egyptians, there will definitely be significant improvements, and that's nothing to sneeze at. 

The view of Cairo is nothing to sneeze at, either

On a different note:

"I walked in thinking, it's going to be like riding a bicycle. It wasn't. It was like riding a unicycle. I'd been trying so hard to stretch myself in other roles, and to catch myself when I did anything that remotely resembles Scully, that when I was put back in the ring with her, my brain started misfiring."

This is a personally relevant quote for me. Brings me back to my struggles of putting on a filter in my mind to make sure the 'right' thing is released, while subduing what I 'shouldn't' do. Then, somewhere down the line I try to access those oppressed parts of my mind, only to have the empowered parts rebel and misfire on me. 

The good news - it takes time and patience, and I have definitely become more patient in recent days. I'll talk more about patience in another post. 

My conclusion on my searchings - Gillian Anderson, aside from being more beautiful than was obvious in her frumpy FBI clothes in the series, seems to be a really cool person. She has a daughter named Piper Maru, got married the first time in a Buddhist ceremony on a Hawaiian golf course, the second time on an island off the coast of Kenya, and is heavily into philanthropic and charitable organizations. And - she has intelligent, insightful things to speak about. 

I love unexpected inspiration.

Battering Ram

I had a strange encounter with myself the other day while I was running. Recently, I've been experiencing some hip pain after running and I've been trying to figure out how to alleviate the problem. I determined that I must be running incorrectly and my body has been experiencing undue pressure on certain joints and muscles because of this. Therefore, I decided to make this run about figuring out what I was doing.

I think the best way to share this story and the surprising effect of the experience is to try to tell it as a train of thought, as I was experiencing it.
________
I'm running, trying to pay attention to the distribution of weight that I am putting on each foot as I land on it.

It seems like my right foot is getting a little more weight on the outside of the foot. That's probably not correct. I don't think running on the toes or the heels would be right, but it also seems heavy-hitting to land directly on the middle of my foot. And of course, my left foot isn't doing the same thing - my left foot is hitting the ground pretty much straight on.

Ok, let's see.

(I start running with my right foot turned in slightly, making it strike on the ground in perfect connection with the middle of the foot)

Hmm, yes that does seem to make my hip feel better...

(About a minute later)

I'm starting to feel my hip again, I wonder why.

Did I fall back into my old running position? I thought I was paying attention and holding onto it correctly.

Oh.

Wait.

I'm holding myself up from my hip muscles. That must be why I'm feeling this pain in my hips.

Am I compensating for putting full weight on my right foot?

(Releasing my hip muscle and putting the full weight on my right foot)

I feel like my hip is twitching! I keep trying to release the muscles that are holding, and they keep trying to grip again. Grrrr.....

(Thirty seconds later)

Man, now there's a pain in my right foot.

That's kind of familiar...

Oh - I have a fallen arch in that foot, don't I? I remember that was a pretty big deal when I was a kid, but it went away.

Or so I apparently thought.

Huh. I must have been compensating by holding myself up at the hip so I wasn't putting full pressure on my right foot and causing pain. Must have thought I didn't have that arch problem anymore, but really I masked it with masterful 'throw-a-newspaper-over-the-spill-and-it's-not-there-anymore' skills.

I have shoes with good arch support, but I think I'm going to need something even more supportive in my right foot.

Ah ha, that's an interesting discovery.

(One second later)

Ack! Whoa! Jeez, mud! You almost made me slip. It's been so rainy lately. Falling on my face would have been unpleasant.

(Ten seconds later)

Ow, my hip is hurting again. Jeez, I can't keep putting so much weight on my feet. I need to hold myself up by my core.

(Tighten my hip muscles)

Yeah, that's what I should be doing but, ow...that hurts more. Maybe I'm not squeezing tight enough.

(Tighten and release muscles, tighten them more)

Um....

(Start walking)

Wait a minute....
______
Ok, so here's where we come back to third person narration. Either you're thinking I'm a complete moron, or a goldfish. And yes, I realize my hip muscles are not the same as my core. However, I won't give myself the benefit of the doubt and assume that I'm either (although I do agree that I could focus better, as a general rule). What I recognize here is that beloved enemy of mine - my logical/left-brained mind.

Somehow, I seem to think that I should just stick with what I know. Apparently my logical mind thinks that any information it has is the correct, and best, information, and trying to replace it with something else is inefficient and offensive. Therefore, anything that comes onto my radar suggesting that I have to change that which I've made deeply habitual is not worth listening to - well, maybe it is worth listening to for a short period of time, to experience wonderment and excitement at solving a problem to appeal to my ego, but then Lefty just convinces me to revert back to business as usual.

I'm a little miffed at my logical mind, to be honest. But I also have to accept responsibility for letting it run so wild. I was shocked that a simple jolt, or distraction, was enough for my left brain to manipulate the disturbance almost instantaneously and put things back the way it wanted it.

It's much harder to catch instantaneous switches like that, but now that I'm aware and on the lookout, my hope is that these behaviors will become easier to see. And then, I will be able to run correctly and stop upsetting my hips. And I will stop reverting to habitual emotional behaviors that are equally detrimental.

Running is becoming a great analogy for how I'm living my life. I love when unexpected circumstances are what teach us about those things we've been looking for in a seemingly more obvious place.

Grubbs Artist

As a side note, there aren't many Google-able paintings out there of runners. Just saying. 

The Immediate Mind

As a runner, it would only be natural to share a metaphorical anecdote (can you use 'metaphor' as an adjective? Can those words be paired together as one noun? Probably not, but anyway...) about running - in relation to my thought process.

While running today, I decided that I was going to try not to think of anything - use a simple meditation to allow my eyes to see the woods that I was running through, my nose to smell the air, my lungs to take in breath regularly, and generally be present with a quiet mind.

I think I lasted a few minutes. Then, maybe 10 minutes later I realized that I'd started thinking, planning, calculating, and I missed the transition somehow. So I reign the beast in, tugging harshly on the leash of my giddy thought-tangent-puppies, and work on calming my mind once again. Suddenly I'm back, but this time I feel the switch. I am deeper in my body, my body feels more real, and I'm present.

The interesting thing: suddenly my lungs and body set off "I'm-not-going-to-last-as-long-as-I-just-thought-I-would!" and "Woah!-sudden-intensity-added-to-this-process" alarms.

Where this lead me is to an understanding of productivity. When I am present and focused in the moment, I am working hard and getting results. At this point my process also involves the increased work of constantly having to reign my mind in and remind myself, "you can be enjoying this more fully!". Regardless, when I accomplish something in this mindset, it is from a deeper place - a place of strength, power, and creativity. It is harder, and it should be.

What I accomplish when I'm scattered/busy/work-driven and in what I am going to call my "Immediate Mind" is excessive and seemingly productive, but shallow. I can think about meaningless scheduling, details, numbers, and sketch out ideas I don't follow through on, running for two miles without realizing it, but I'm not getting the same workout as I do when I begin thinking about something more powerful. Then my body is more fully engaged; I might run less of a distance, but the quality of my run has vastly improved.

Quality, not quantity - I can sum this entry up into those three words.

The word "quality" is quite amusing to me. In 6th grade I had a teacher who always was licking his lips. He must have had some sort of Dry Lip Syndrome or something, because every other word he was sticking out his big ol' tongue and circling it around the front of his face. And I'm not just talking about a dainty lip moisten. This was a face lapping.

And his favorite word to say to us - Quality.

It might have been his favorite word because he could do the face slobbering while saying the word at the same time: his tongue would emerge while saying the 'L'.

So anyway. I guess the tongue was distracting me from the validity of his respect for quality.

If it takes longer to gain knowledge and skill, so be it.  I'm going to find my creativity through re-learning patience.

I want to more consistently drink from a much deeper well.

Breathe Deeply