Needing to Listen

I've been lagging on writing lately, mostly because I realize that I'm not listening enough. I keep writing words, words, words, and my calculating mind assumes that if I write enough words I will finally come to an understanding of what I need to express. But what I need to express should be expressed of its own accord - and the act of trying to figure out what I need to say is creating the very wall that my creativity can't seem to break through.

I want to share new ideas and funny/interesting things on my blog and I will return to that. But for now I'm trying to let go of some 'shoulds'. As usual, I start to make creative acts into scheduled 'to-dos'. Blogging became that and therefore I have been unable to speak from a place of spontaneity and honesty. It's become, "I should write a new post - what should I write about?" Too many shoulds, and less interesting posts as a result.

My mind understands, and that understanding is what undermines me. When I find a new way of unearthing my creativity, I turn it into a task that I 'must do' in order to 'become creative'. It filters into my schedule and it becomes a checklist item, rather than...well, the problem is I can't seem to figure out what place it would hold, if not as an item that I need to accomplish.

Play? Play is undirected and my mind gets instantly triggered into thinking, 'if you 'just' play, you won't really get anything accomplished, so it's no different than sitting around reading a book - so let's do that instead.' Not so, I know. Being able to play and improving my play is deepening my creative practice. So why is it that I know this - at least, intuitively do - but it doesn't seem to make a difference?

Someone recently asked me if I was committed to overcoming these obstacles, these walls that I create for myself - as I talk myself in all directions and make justifications for the way I am; as I say that I want to be a certain way; as I say that I want to play more and open space for my creativity; as I say that I want to let go of all of the structure that has built itself up in my mind.

Of course I said yes.

Saying it doesn't make it so. And I keep discouraging myself from actually making it so by saying that I don't know 'what it looks like' to be fully committed to it. And if I don't know what it looks like, I can't do it.

I wish I could say that now that I've explained this it's helped me gain clarity about how to play without feeling I 'should', to speak from the creative heart and not filter it, to express my anger and disagreement so I can present myself to the world in a balanced way, to drop the structure when I go into a creative zone, and to understand what I want and need, in every moment.

Truth is, I'm still thinking, "I don't know what it looks like".

Change and the Rational World

If fear weren’t involved, would anyone resent change? Would we laugh easier at the unlikely and take a chance with the impossible? There are many people who don’t like change, don’t like a shifting, unknown, unreasonable environment and will defend emphatically that they are actually the type of person who enjoys life that way. I, however, am convinced that fear is the lone culprit in this matter. 

Of course, I make the distinction between committed and flighty when referring to change. Enjoying change doesn’t have to mean that a person hops from job to job, from lifestyle to the next, from location to the next. But it does involve shifting your life when it becomes clear that improvement, or an evolution, is calling. Stagnation is not the natural state of the universe. 

And as for rationality. I’ve always found that I have a pretty intense love of irrational humor. Surrealism, irony, and complete nonsense can really get me going. And it certainly has to do with my mind being a excessively logical. To say something nonsensical, irrational and perhaps plain silly, evokes a deep mental giggle. I find it releases the tension of my strict thought, and allows my deeper self to come up for air, as it were. I know I haven’t yet found the balance between logic and emotional expression in my life - I’m still heavily weighted in the logic end of the spectrum. But I’ll get there. And I’ll still be laughing at the absurd. What my balance will provide is the ability to focus my irrational amusement into tangible, creative ideas. Creativity is deeply embedded in our playtime with the limits of reality. 

And as for change - I am a big fan. There are a number of things that are comforting to hold on to, and things that must stay consistent in order to have a smooth ride through life. But anything that gives me the opportunity to see life from a new perspective, to learn something I never realized, to challenge myself to overcome a fear that I have - I welcome it. Not always without struggle and fear, but as long as I continue to respond to my instincts, which are infinitely curious what would happen if life could be improved by this or that, I’m invoking change. Setting this intention has made all the difference. 

It’s nice to realize that, in spite of all of my other insecurities, there are some real strengths that I do have. It’s hard to see strengths in the midst of fear and feelings of inadequacy. But even the desire to see myself more clearly is a strength - not all people even let that desire out. It's hidden in fear and defended under the guise of ‘this is just who I am’. And certainly I fall into that category for some things in my mind. I express that I just ‘am’ certain ways and try to maneuver my life to work with the ways things are. I’m seeing, though, one at a time, where I’m incorrect and those things can actually be removed from my persona. Life instantly looks different when I am able to do so. 

What it has taken is the confidence that I want to make the most of myself and my experience. And then, to admit that this confidence is a strength. Although it doesn’t produce instantaneous results, it’s with me for the long haul. The short term obstacles aren’t committed to me, so as they come across my path I will reject being halted and stagnated. I’m going to keep on moving, even if I have to put some force into it and swim around in the muck of my own fear and self-loathing for awhile. I’m swimming across, not treading water, and that certainly is different. Flailing around in place and shouting that I'm on my way to the other side isn’t the sort of irony that gets me going. 

And of course, the love and support of those around me is key. To see how I impact those I love and allow myself to have/be a mirror and view myself from an objective perspective is extremely powerful in my growth. Change arises whenever a new person comes into my life. Each new connection I make teaches me more about myself. In fact, always seeking new connections and deepening those I already have might just be the most important catalyst for my evolution.

Tweed.