Activism

I took a stand in activism the other day, and I was pretty proud of myself. There's a plot of land out here by the bay which hasn't yet been claimed by park services with strict rules laid upon it, or bought by a corporation to 'redevelop' into landscaped soccer fields. I went to a meeting with a friend who had enlightened my boyfriend and me to the dangers this land now finds itself in from said threats.

I hadn't visited the plot of land since I moved here, so I decided that I would make my way over there before the meeting so I knew what I was fighting for. It turns out to be a place unlike any I have ever seen. There was driftwood art, randomly scattered throughout nature left wild on the little peninsula. There were paths lined by rebar and concrete piles, creatively arranged, and people in tents, actually living there. These people were friendly enough to the random people who walked their dogs, went for a jog, and took a stroll along the bay in their home.

There's something wild and beautiful about this place, and that it's been able to retain its existence through the increasing build up of strip malls and highways is pretty impressive. I was confident that I wanted to take a stand for this place. Getting stung by a bee on my way out was a little annoying, but it added to the wild beauty of the place.

The meeting was so enlightening. I really got to see some of the people from the area in a way that I haven't been able to yet:

The older hippies who come to every town meeting to take a stand against evil corporations, who are taking away our natural resources and our freedom.

The angry guy who tried to turn the meeting into a rally by screaming, 'you have to LISTEN to us! You can't keep us quiet!' and got kicked out of the meeting.

The woman, an older intellectual hippie, who had her paperwork and had did her research. She condescendingly reminded the committee that they hadn't thought of every detail and made them question themselves.

The guy who was on multiple committees and - literally - wore different hats when he came up to speak on the different subjects.

The tie-dye skirted woman who just wanted to argue about dogs being leashed and was texting the rest of the meeting - she was even still texting when she walked up to the microphone to make a comment.

The land owner who was trying to explain why he wanted to sell his land to a big business, only giving vague details and not being able to answer any question with a direct answer. 

And then there was us. The younger generation, giving a face of youthful rationality to counterbalance the older attendees who couldn't seem to listen well enough to speak to the appropriate agenda item.

It was really enlightening. Who knows what sort of impact any of us had, but being there together and showing the committee the many faces that would fight for a cause must have given them some pause. They claimed not to have much control over this situation, but now it is their responsibility to relay our message to those whose ears they certainly have. 

And if they have the passion of the people I saw at the meeting, the place we fought for could retain its essence.

Needing to Listen

I've been lagging on writing lately, mostly because I realize that I'm not listening enough. I keep writing words, words, words, and my calculating mind assumes that if I write enough words I will finally come to an understanding of what I need to express. But what I need to express should be expressed of its own accord - and the act of trying to figure out what I need to say is creating the very wall that my creativity can't seem to break through.

I want to share new ideas and funny/interesting things on my blog and I will return to that. But for now I'm trying to let go of some 'shoulds'. As usual, I start to make creative acts into scheduled 'to-dos'. Blogging became that and therefore I have been unable to speak from a place of spontaneity and honesty. It's become, "I should write a new post - what should I write about?" Too many shoulds, and less interesting posts as a result.

My mind understands, and that understanding is what undermines me. When I find a new way of unearthing my creativity, I turn it into a task that I 'must do' in order to 'become creative'. It filters into my schedule and it becomes a checklist item, rather than...well, the problem is I can't seem to figure out what place it would hold, if not as an item that I need to accomplish.

Play? Play is undirected and my mind gets instantly triggered into thinking, 'if you 'just' play, you won't really get anything accomplished, so it's no different than sitting around reading a book - so let's do that instead.' Not so, I know. Being able to play and improving my play is deepening my creative practice. So why is it that I know this - at least, intuitively do - but it doesn't seem to make a difference?

Someone recently asked me if I was committed to overcoming these obstacles, these walls that I create for myself - as I talk myself in all directions and make justifications for the way I am; as I say that I want to be a certain way; as I say that I want to play more and open space for my creativity; as I say that I want to let go of all of the structure that has built itself up in my mind.

Of course I said yes.

Saying it doesn't make it so. And I keep discouraging myself from actually making it so by saying that I don't know 'what it looks like' to be fully committed to it. And if I don't know what it looks like, I can't do it.

I wish I could say that now that I've explained this it's helped me gain clarity about how to play without feeling I 'should', to speak from the creative heart and not filter it, to express my anger and disagreement so I can present myself to the world in a balanced way, to drop the structure when I go into a creative zone, and to understand what I want and need, in every moment.

Truth is, I'm still thinking, "I don't know what it looks like".

What the Universe Wants For You

Have you ever hoped the world would unfold in a certain unlikely way, and it happened? Every time it happens to me, I gain a little bit more arrogance that I am godlike. I start to believe if I think something hard enough, it will without fail manifest before my eyes. But I haven't yet gained telekenesis, so my arrogance is still manageable.

No, I jest. I am not gaining excessive arrogance, though I am becoming more confident about choice and control. What I'm realizing is that a lot of the negative energy I was receiving from the world was not because the world was giving me negative energy; it was because I wasn't asking for positive energy. I was standing in the neutral zone, too timid to ask for what I needed from the universe.

Well, of course it didn't provide if I didn't ask.

So I've been asking more often. Saying what I need and then I feel magical because what I ask for blossoms around me. It's been very useful in finding my footing physically as well as emotionally. It's clarified my already existing connections, and it's helping to make new connections happen more naturally.

There is, of course, the balance issue. What I need from the universe also comes with what the universe must give me, to keep everything equal.

Aside: I seem to enjoy vague, abstract descriptions, like the above. I had always thought that they sounded really poetic and intriguing, until I started getting feedback in school. My teachers would say that I was speaking too vaguely and I stopped making sense. That input has followed me to this day, in reactions people have when I try to preface an anecdote I'm about to tell them. So now I'll move on to the more coherent anecdote.

The situations I've been choosing for myself recently have been resulting in happiness and abundance. However, they have also come with strange ironies - karmic ironies, as I see it. Most of my relationships are deeply connected and natural with the people around me. But I've also been surrounding myself with people that I have trouble communicating with, people who frustrate me and make me work to work with them. I'd done a bit of slate wiping and starting fresh since my move, and I deliberately intended to eliminate all future frustrating situations relating to interpersonal connections. (Ah, the Idealist.)

Well, I was beginning to think that the universe was telling me that I needed to teach them, or help them connect with others. Trying to be positive - a friend, a mentor. And in one instance, a person who wasn't connecting with me, was treating me with disrespect and immaturity, turned around when I laid down my boundary and held open the space for them to connect with me. So that was part of it.

In another instance, though, the universe is handing me something else entirely. The universe has given me someone who I see regularly, who unequivocally dislikes me. Someone that I can't be reasonable and friendly to and receive emotions in response that are at least neutral.

I try very hard to keep things positive and neutral, if not downright loving with everyone I encounter (this is of course not including strangers and moments of irrationality - I've had my share of blind rage). But the universe seems to demand that I exist for a time without the rational expectation that trying to connect and make peace will evoke a compatible response in another person.

The universe needs to break me of my naivete, so I can fully manifest. And also, the universe is chastising me once again for holding so desperately to my expectations.

It's fair. And I'm going to keep telling the universe what I need - so I'll take it all in stride.

Wishing

I don't hear enough people saying they 'wish they were strong enough to handle and control their negative emotions', so much as they say they 'wish they were happy'. 


They don't as often say they want 'to feel beautiful' - only that they want 'to look beautiful'. 


That they want, 'to really see other people', rather than wanting 'to be famous and have everyone see them'.


 They don't wish for more knowledge so they can decide the best course for themselves and others, so much as they want to be told what they should do. 


Fleeting moments, the latter wishes.


Gotta embody the matter that inhabits the space where your essence resides. 


I like the sound of that sentence.  

Affected

What happens when you are affected easily by others' emotions but you have to set them aside? 

At work, my job is to be with people as they (hopefully) get well. And I want them to get well. When they don't, I am sad, and when they are frustrated about not getting better quickly, I get stressed out. It's great that I have empathy and I can deeply resonate with their emotions, but it really doesn't benefit me in this sort of situation where I don't have any control over their success or failure, and I'm not really qualified to do anything about it other than be there with them. 

Or does it matter? Is it bad that I stress out over the weekend because I'm concerned about the well-being of a patient who I have no control over whether or not they get better? Me being caring and present for them potentially helps, so maybe it does matter that I care so much. However, being hopeful that I can affect them only makes it harder when they don't get better - because I feel like I've failed somehow. 

I'm definitely taking it too personally but I'm not sure how impersonal I'd want to get. I didn't get this job because it was my life's dream. I got this job because I wanted to take care of people and make money while I'm working on music. So I have to detach myself a little bit. I know there has to be an in-between but I am just having a hard time seeing it. 

Well, tonight I am going to flail around like they do in the East Bay, dancing ecstatically and letting my stresses go for the evening. 

Being on vacation

The idea of being on vacation has quite a powerful effect on the mind. I could be sitting at home with all the time in the world or sitting in a hotel room, on vacation. In which scenario will I feel more relaxed and utilize my time more efficiently? Ironically, in the comfort of my own home I have access to more tools of creativity and more wide blocks of time at my disposal. But, when I'm on vacation, so is my mind.

Eating a meal becomes an exciting event, and when there's time in between touristy adventures, I can write a blog entry or practice guitar and it's fun rather than practice. It's apparently the only time I really allow myself to stop with scheduling and task completion for longer than an hour or two. Gotta figure out how to see life as the vacation.

My creativity has been flowing. I've been going through phases where I write a lot, a lot of it being useless and potentially meaningless, but some things are worthwhile. This, ultimately, is the best approach because in an abundance of rubbish there are at least some things that are inspiring. Conversely, if you have only two pieces of rubbish, your chances of finding inspiration becomes less.

But I also go through stages of observance (while also hoping this isn't giving a fancy word to laziness). In these stages I'm writing less, but I'm a little more exposed in the world, going out a little more, and having conversations or sitting quietly and thinking, rather than keeping my mind attached to the end of a pencil (figuratively, of course - who uses pencils anymore? :-p)

I think now that I've been writing more and I'm gaining more of a sense of how to express my thoughts in a coherent, hopefully engaging way, I'm not needing to write every word that comes through my mind. Anyway, my mind's probably too much to handle, like Charlie Sheen's - you'd all be like, dude, take it back! - ok, that was just a necessary, timely reference.

Aside from the fears that if I don't trap my thoughts right away they will disappear, I think it doesn't hurt for an idea to stew and evolve a little bit before being brought into existence.

So that's my theory in this stage, where I've been less exposed. I've also been quite busy in the work ways, and having a vacation in the middle of it has been nice. I was allowing myself to sink into the hole of endless tasks again - I really have to keep a reign on that.

Well, I've reset and recharged - tomorrow is a new day.

Dogbot

I've been having an all-work-little-play kind of a week, unfortunately. But have no fear, I still have ways to entertain you:

The Freaky Story of the Dog Head Transplants and the Giant Dogbot That Never Was

I wouldn't suggest reading it if decapitated dogs upset you - of course, they weren't dead decapitated dogs so thats a plus!

This is also in celebration of my boyfriend's birthday - he sent this to me and I figured a good way to spread the celebration was to freak other people out with it. So, enjoy!