Guilt

Guilt is a nasty word, and unfortunately one of the more poignant words in my life. The reasons I, and I suspect many others, experience guilt, aren't the most flattering things to look at in oneself.

What do people feel guilt about? The main situations that come to mind are: upsetting someone, disappointing someone, or disappointing yourself. To feel as though we've failed a loved one, or failed ourselves, brings on a downward spiral. Feeling like a failure leads to feelings of worthlessness, and it only goes down and down once we stumble into that mindset.

I've had failures in my life, but that hasn't hit a breaking point. A cause to push myself too hard sometimes, maybe, but I haven't often felt the feeling of utter worthlessness - I'm thankful for that.  One thing I've noticed about my guilt, however, is how I experience it in my relations with others. I evoke guilt in my life as a result of actual situations, and assumed situations.

I have a hard time accepting that I've upset someone, demoralized them, embarrassed them, or brought to light a difficult insecurity. Therefore, I try to figure out the best way to speak to them, in a positive and encouraging way, which keeps them from the dangers of falling into self-pity. Not only do I choose this way of speaking when I know doing so avoids triggering them, but I also do it when I assume it might trigger them.

Clearly, this is not the path to take if I am actually attempting to help a person. Useless affirmations don't help anyone grow. Also, it says something about my arrogance that I assume I know what the person is feeling and can or cannot handle. Maybe I do know their insecurities and perhaps they will get triggered, but that is not my responsibility to guard. It also shatters a level of trust, if a person you love can't rely on you to tell the truth for some convoluted, 'noble cause' to spare your feelings.

Ah the ironies of life - protecting other peoples' insecurities to defend our own.

Why do we defend our insecurities so intensely? It's infuriating to understand the behavior you are exhibiting, disagree with it, and yet, despite that, still act in the same way. I suppose this all leads to the ego. Ego is a bastard, that's for sure. A dominating, arrogant, judgmental, inhibiting son-of-a-bitch.

That felt good. You should try it. Take a moment to give your ego a piece of your mind. For every time it's decided to overrun your actions, dismember your intentions, and speak with your voice. I don't want to disassociate myself from it because it's as much a necessary part of me as the rest, but I think there's no harm in telling it what's what every once in awhile. Reminding it that even though it may desire ultimate control, his dictator days are limited.

This entry doesn't feel as conclusive as some of my other ones, but I think that's about all I had to say about that tonight.

On another note, check out this crazy-awesome art that I found online: 

Choice

"There is no way my action or omission can avoid affecting other people. My sheer physical presence in the universe affects other people."


I found this quote on the all-knowing Internet and enjoyed it. It definitely expresses what I've been slowly coming to realize. Inaction based in fear seems to be an easy escape - but in reality there is no hiding away or escaping. No matter how hidden we feel, we are always laid bare in the middle of the Universe. 


I then began musing about choice. I started poking around on the Internet about the subject and found a large percentage of choice related articles referring to morality and responsibility. What of the limits of morality? When are we responsible, and when are we not to blame? 


Like a proper new-age thinker, my relieving response is that there is no right or wrong, so you can never be blamed. Limits and 'shoulds' are arbitrary, and vary from culture to culture. Sure, there are morals laid down in every culture, but their ultimate viability is nothing more than leaders maintaining an intentional structure that they've created. It trickles down and sometimes isn't easily seen as a constructed framework of 'shoulds', but it's always there. 


What does this do for us, to consider that there is no right or wrong and we can't be blamed for acting incorrectly? Does it make us feel energized, able to do anything because we have been relived of stresses and guilt related to an incompatibility with what others say we should do, and what actually feels natural? A lot of times, no. A lot of times, it causes more fear. What's more scary than knowing that anything is possible, and you can't be wrong? 


This: regardless of the fact that you can't be wrong, other people will still decide you are wrong and judge you. You will still have regular opportunities to feel as though you are failing, because devoid of outside morality, you create an internal morality from which to judge yourself by. And the subjective becomes more blinding than the objective. So an infinitely free person begins to box themselves in and create a bounded encasement from which they cannot be successful in escaping from. 


And for me, this is why people band together and create 'rules'. Those people who don't want to take on the 'burden' of dictating their own actions want to be told what they should do, and other people like to tell others what they should do - sometimes because they really can help others, and sometimes because their ego decides that telling other people what to do will somehow justify their choices, which they are insecure about. So it can be successful if those people in power are really able to lead others to find their own strength, rather than taking advantage of their fears. 


For those who read my blog regularly, I apologize for any repetitive thoughts I may share. This is all constantly in my mind and sometimes it flows through a few times.


On another note, if you'd like to see an inspiring talk about creativity that I got to see in person, check this out: 

Walls

Yesterday I came up against a number of walls - regarding my creativity, socializing and making myself known. 

It’s clear that I’m having fears about being social within my new context. Right now, my social inclination is to discuss my struggles and the goals I am setting in motion despite my fears. I’d like to get feedback on the clarity of those goals and suggestions about how to better take the reins to make things happen. I’d also be interested to hear about others’ processes - what struggles they are going through in achieving self-expression, what inspires their discussion with other people, how they motivate themselves to bring something out of nothing, etc.

Those sorts of conversations don’t typically happen when you meet someone for the first time, in my experience. It’s true, though, that the Bay area possibly has a wide population of people that are receptive to such conversations - and there are exceptions elsewhere too. But I feel stuck, and don’t feel overly motivated to go out and socialize with people because I worry that more often than not, I will encounter people who don’t really want to understand the person they are talking to.

This feels a little like I’m waiting for the perfect situation to come around and am not willing to work with and adapt to a situation. Of course someone I meet may not be a dear friend the first time we interact, but it can still develop into something wonderful - I see that. So I recognize that I am using the excuse that people are a certain way, coupled with my insistence that I really do prefer to be alone, to keep myself from moving forward. I’m faced with a motivational struggle.

Sometimes I am really focused and intent on bringing something into being; wanting to come out west and refocus my creative practices is a good example. Other times, I worry that what I am intending on bringing into being isn’t really what I am passionate about, because if I were, I wouldn’t be able to question it at all. At these times, my ego jumps into the mix and tells me that I can just sit back and not worry about it - if I just don’t do anything, I won’t have to face any fears or doubts. 

Maybe so, but there won’t be any progress either, and I’ve experienced stagnation. I know I don’t enjoy it, but in fear of risking myself I find myself trapped in a tricky game - take a chance with the possibility of failure (but also success), or choose defeat so I can be in control of the outcome. 

Put like that, I'd never choose the game. But yet I keep playing it. 

Of course I enjoy being by myself, but I do enjoy people as well - and I’m going to be involved in social interactions whether I initiate them or not. So it’s a matter of choosing to be an active participant in a social interaction, rather than pretend that I’m not there and lose that something that can be gained from every human connection. 

So many things, easier written than done. 

Another area where I am maintaining my stuck-ness is in the realm of expression and play. I’m having a really difficult time motivating myself to sit in my room and let whatever comes out of me express itself. I’m hesitating to see the ugly, frustrated, chaotic side of myself and I know that’s keeping me from full and balanced expression. It’s scary to do, and so hard to motivate and not distract myself since I am the only one around to hold myself accountable. It’s harder to insist on personal accountability when the level of fear is increased. So I’m trying to figure out how I can best face those sides of myself. 

Breaking down walls. That’s really the conversation I want to have with everyone I meet. How do you break down walls in your life? It’s different for everyone, of course, but everyone has to face them. Face them or deny their existence and end up feeling out of control and helpless, in stagnation. If I don’t break down these walls I’m only headed towards the latter and I really should be scared of that more than anything else. 

I'll probably break through rather than walk through, but this is a cool sculpture