Lake in the Valley

The water in the hills trickles down into the valley where I like to go running. 

The result is a lovely lake.  

It makes me think about those experiences that wash over us, as compared to those other experiences that get trapped in our minds. What we become is a combination of those things that couldn't pass by unimpeded, and our ability to let go. For better or for worse, our compendium is unique, created by circumstance and chance. And of course, choice. But it would be unreasonable to assume we truly have complete control. 

But - the lake is beautiful, regardless of the water source, or the places where the water leaks out into the soil. 

What the Universe Wants For You

Have you ever hoped the world would unfold in a certain unlikely way, and it happened? Every time it happens to me, I gain a little bit more arrogance that I am godlike. I start to believe if I think something hard enough, it will without fail manifest before my eyes. But I haven't yet gained telekenesis, so my arrogance is still manageable.

No, I jest. I am not gaining excessive arrogance, though I am becoming more confident about choice and control. What I'm realizing is that a lot of the negative energy I was receiving from the world was not because the world was giving me negative energy; it was because I wasn't asking for positive energy. I was standing in the neutral zone, too timid to ask for what I needed from the universe.

Well, of course it didn't provide if I didn't ask.

So I've been asking more often. Saying what I need and then I feel magical because what I ask for blossoms around me. It's been very useful in finding my footing physically as well as emotionally. It's clarified my already existing connections, and it's helping to make new connections happen more naturally.

There is, of course, the balance issue. What I need from the universe also comes with what the universe must give me, to keep everything equal.

Aside: I seem to enjoy vague, abstract descriptions, like the above. I had always thought that they sounded really poetic and intriguing, until I started getting feedback in school. My teachers would say that I was speaking too vaguely and I stopped making sense. That input has followed me to this day, in reactions people have when I try to preface an anecdote I'm about to tell them. So now I'll move on to the more coherent anecdote.

The situations I've been choosing for myself recently have been resulting in happiness and abundance. However, they have also come with strange ironies - karmic ironies, as I see it. Most of my relationships are deeply connected and natural with the people around me. But I've also been surrounding myself with people that I have trouble communicating with, people who frustrate me and make me work to work with them. I'd done a bit of slate wiping and starting fresh since my move, and I deliberately intended to eliminate all future frustrating situations relating to interpersonal connections. (Ah, the Idealist.)

Well, I was beginning to think that the universe was telling me that I needed to teach them, or help them connect with others. Trying to be positive - a friend, a mentor. And in one instance, a person who wasn't connecting with me, was treating me with disrespect and immaturity, turned around when I laid down my boundary and held open the space for them to connect with me. So that was part of it.

In another instance, though, the universe is handing me something else entirely. The universe has given me someone who I see regularly, who unequivocally dislikes me. Someone that I can't be reasonable and friendly to and receive emotions in response that are at least neutral.

I try very hard to keep things positive and neutral, if not downright loving with everyone I encounter (this is of course not including strangers and moments of irrationality - I've had my share of blind rage). But the universe seems to demand that I exist for a time without the rational expectation that trying to connect and make peace will evoke a compatible response in another person.

The universe needs to break me of my naivete, so I can fully manifest. And also, the universe is chastising me once again for holding so desperately to my expectations.

It's fair. And I'm going to keep telling the universe what I need - so I'll take it all in stride.

Have you ever thought...

¨ What it would be like to sweep after every step you took? 

¨ Whether or not a perfect stranger you walk past on the street enjoys walking in nature?

¨ If a cat sees into your soul, better than you can?

¨ What it feels like for a tree to be thirsty?

¨ When people first made oil out of tree nuts?

¨ How often you would sing if you lived in the decade/century you idolize?

¨ What the world looks 1,000 miles from where you are?

¨ When the first time you smiled was?

¨ What your computer would look like if you could see atomic energy spectrums?

¨ Whether or not the itch will stop on its own if you just don't touch it?

¨ If you have a connection to a person who fell in love today?

¨ About the difference between integrity and kindness?

¨ If you had always collected all of those rubber glue dots that are on commercial mailings and made them into a rubber ball, about how big that ball would be?

¨ What a star really sounds like in space, if you were right next to it?

¨ About the image of vegetables eeking out their nutrients and the dissipation into boiling water?

¨ What it would feel like to slide on your belly, if you were a penguin?

¨ What a firework feels like when it explodes, if you could be right next to it?

¨ If something you say to a group of friends triggers a nostalgic memory which invokes in someone an unrelated scent to fill their nostrils? (not food)

¨ How long an idea was in your unconscious before your conscious became aware of it?

¨ What life would have been like, if you had chosen differently?

¨ What life is like, because you didn't? 

Being the Statesman

Ok. I don't want to get deep into the political conversation, because politics in this country makes me want to switch on Apathetic and put in some earplugs. But I have been keeping up with this Tucson thing, have had a few conversations, and I'd like to speak briefly about our clarity.

I think it's pretty clear that we are a pale comparison of the democracy our founders intended. Democracy is meant to stimulate debate and discussion, in order to come to a decision, through compromise. Currently, all I see are arguments screamed loud enough to drown the other out, without the slightest hint of intent to reach a decision.

"We will not be stopped from celebrating the greatness of our country and our foundational freedoms by those who mock its greatness by being intolerant of opinion and seeking to muzzle dissent with shrill cries of imagined insults."

I have a hard time understanding how Sarah Palin doesn't see that she is what she describes. To be fair, the yelling and defensiveness is happening on all sides. But Palin specifically has earned our focus this week. And I don't know if, "Don't Retreat - Reload!" is celebrating greatness - sounds more like being the bully to people who don't share opinions, rather than having a conversation with them and REALLY TRYING to understand why they don't agree with you. Either way, let's continue the clarity - screaming at each other, getting defensive and tossing out threats is not democracy.

As to the 'blood libel' comment - let's not forget that Sarah Palin says a lot of stupid things. I'm not sure if her speech writer is just as ignorant of politics as her or if she ignores the speeches they write, but she doesn't evoke intelligent deliberation. Being a non-Jew talking about a Jewish woman and using the term 'blood libel' - really ridiculous, but I expect nothing less from her. Perhaps she wanted to try to 'take back' the phrase; if that's the case, she's really gotta work on her timing.

In her favor, however, she just isn't presidential material. And that is in her favor, because it releases her from her missteps. She was put into the Vice-Presidential candidate role without any grounds for it, and she has since become no more of a Presidential candidate.

I had a conversation with one of my patients the other day. He is a person living in San Francisco who likes Palin and the Tea Party (they exist, but they are rare). I was eager to have a deeper conversation about his opinions and was, as expected, disappointed. Why was he a supporter? Because he is a Republican and he has no idea what is going on in politics. He just knows that he should dislike Obama and like the Tea Party. He asked ME to tell him what the Tea Party believed in. I hope all political sentiments aren't borne this way. But I'm sure many are.

He asked me why I disliked Palin, and I explained to him that she didn't have the ability to be a statesman/stateswoman. For better or for worse, if you don't like Obama, you have to admit he has that ability. He's chosen the 'voice' that he uses to communicate with the country - it's an idealistic voice, similar to Kennedy. Perhaps that isn't your particular preference for a leader - maybe you just want an aggressive voice which takes you under its wing. What Obama's words are doing can be uncomfortable - he is deeply trying to turn the mirror inwards on the American citizens, and to help them re-set their moral compasses.

Sure, with the state of our society now, where the majority of people want to be taken care of and not have any personal responsibility, I can see why people balk at Obama's mirror. Fear of taking on responsibilities and motivating oneself daily is bad enough, but to expand that and make each person responsible for the attitude of a community, society, country - most people become too overwhelmed and want to relieve themselves. They put it on their leaders - so the blame is on anyone but them when something happens they don't like.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep a neutral political tone - any person, regardless of political ideologies, who stepped up and spoke in a voice that acknowledged the responsibilities inherent in each person and encouraged everyone to take more control of the way their world functions, I would respect. 

We are nit-picking. We aren't looking at the bigger picture and we aren't asking enough questions to which we actually want the answers. When we become too frightened of what it would mean if we ask a question and get an affirmative response, because then we'd be obligated to take action - we've lost the ability to be in the world fully, to form fair and informed opinions. 

When we can no longer ask why, we are no longer individuals. 

When we stop listening and repeat only what we've heard, blaming the 'other' rather than seeing how we are responsible for the state of affairs we are mired in - we are no longer a functioning brain.

We might as well be robots.

Caregiver

Working at my job, I'm experiencing a fascinating combination of people: people who have simply gone too deep and are unable to pull themselves out of their despair, people who have a clear understanding of the choices they made to get the way they have and are fighting to change and maintain that change, and people who understand that they feel a sadness but don't at all comprehend why.

Although I have been successful in gaining better clarity about what is happening to me and how I am being the person I am, I still connect with that frustration of not knowing why certain expression bubbles up. Or sometimes I feel as though I fully understand my emotions/actions, and still can't make a change when I feel it is necessary. 


I was considering yesterday that perhaps I really just lack focus in all aspects- lack of focus in my physical body, leading to incorrect exercise habits, lack of focus in my learning, leading to being unable to retain details unless it's presented to me more than once, and lack of focus in  my practice, since im having so much trouble stopping my left brain's manipulative usurping of control in my behavior. But I've been working on focus, and as a result, finding persistence and clarity.


My patients are also being given a different sort of opportunity to find clarity. I'm beginning to understand that there's a philosophical approach to self-awareness, and a scientific approach. The philosophical is the ideal but requires much more self-reliance and responsibility, so unfortunately a great deal of people aren't willing to unquestionably dive into their convoluted mire without proper equipment (which doesn't exist). In my job, these patients are being given a scientific jolt into their brain. This ideally creates space from which they can view their lives in a new light - a light they hadn't been able to illuminate for themselves previously - to take new steps towards their fulfillment and self-awareness.

Testing the Water - Jen Ashmen

An extremely difficult obstacle in this process, whether you are the philosopher or the scientee (my new word, because the scientist and the recipient of science can be different), is the role of the caregiver. Children are a choice made specifically by the parents (one hopes) with the timing and understanding of responsibilities in mind. Ailing parents, or unexpectedly deteriorating loved ones, however, are a completely different thing. 


There are a few patients that come in here - wonderful people with great imagination and love of life - who have been unexpectedly entered into a situation where they must care for someone they didn't intend to, or before they intended to. As a result, this makes the struggle for their Self so much more devastating .

We are always trying to create more space in our lives. Outside of the necessary tasks to maintain ourselves- make enough money to get by, pay the bills, clean the house, stay afloat - we want to relax, spend time creatively, spend time with friends and loved ones, etc. As if this doesn't already seem impossible in one human schedule, we still want to have some flexibility and variety on top of the above listed. Adding caregiving, which takes up a large portion of every day, to all of this - it's beyond overwhelm. 


I know, given that my mind has been habitually resorting to tasks that are more tedious and 'necessary' than creative and truly productive, that those menial tasks have the danger of overriding the more self-healing ones. First it's a little time, and then it's a significant amount of time per week, and slowly but surely a person is suddenly not creating any time to play, to re-examine themselves, to see the change that is always happening in the person they are being. 

Before they know it, they don't know what makes them happy anymore, and they realize they are sad but can't clearly see why. They have lost the ability to see themselves since they've taken on such a heavy responsibility for someone else's life. 


I see these people and I wish I could explain to them that they need to fight for themselves. Of course they may not be able to stop their caregiving position, but in the time that they aren't caregiving, they need to fight for quality. The necessary tasks have to be streamlined so space is opened up, and every second they can take to play creatively, go for a bike ride, get an ice cream sundae, or watch the sunset - they need insist on dedicating those moments to just that.


To exhaustion, at the end of handling all of the 'necessaries' - exhaustion can seem overwhelming, but many times I've felt exhausted and wanted to take a nap, but then I got into writing or playing guitar and I end up staying awake doing these things for much longer than I would have anticipated. The body gets exhausted quicker when it isn't being fed with the self-healing things it truly needs. 


I've spoken with one of my patients specifically about this and he seems to hear me and understand - but i haven't seen him fighting for himself adamantly yet. But who knows? I've spoken with others who have helped me understand what I needed to insist upon, and still I resisted getting aggressive and fighting for myself for much longer than I needed to. But it happened eventually. 


I'm not a licensed doctor. I'm a person who is simply trying to speak truths to these people and all I can do is hope that, like me, it will absorb and eventually emerge, in the time and condition that is necessary for that person. 


We have to be willing to fight for ourselves. If in every other way we are peaceful in the world, being ready to risk everything for our full expression and understanding of Self is the only aggression I would condone. And truly, if done in this way, the aggression evolves into something much more powerful - it becomes passion.

Dream of Standing up - Jen Ashmen

Choice

"There is no way my action or omission can avoid affecting other people. My sheer physical presence in the universe affects other people."


I found this quote on the all-knowing Internet and enjoyed it. It definitely expresses what I've been slowly coming to realize. Inaction based in fear seems to be an easy escape - but in reality there is no hiding away or escaping. No matter how hidden we feel, we are always laid bare in the middle of the Universe. 


I then began musing about choice. I started poking around on the Internet about the subject and found a large percentage of choice related articles referring to morality and responsibility. What of the limits of morality? When are we responsible, and when are we not to blame? 


Like a proper new-age thinker, my relieving response is that there is no right or wrong, so you can never be blamed. Limits and 'shoulds' are arbitrary, and vary from culture to culture. Sure, there are morals laid down in every culture, but their ultimate viability is nothing more than leaders maintaining an intentional structure that they've created. It trickles down and sometimes isn't easily seen as a constructed framework of 'shoulds', but it's always there. 


What does this do for us, to consider that there is no right or wrong and we can't be blamed for acting incorrectly? Does it make us feel energized, able to do anything because we have been relived of stresses and guilt related to an incompatibility with what others say we should do, and what actually feels natural? A lot of times, no. A lot of times, it causes more fear. What's more scary than knowing that anything is possible, and you can't be wrong? 


This: regardless of the fact that you can't be wrong, other people will still decide you are wrong and judge you. You will still have regular opportunities to feel as though you are failing, because devoid of outside morality, you create an internal morality from which to judge yourself by. And the subjective becomes more blinding than the objective. So an infinitely free person begins to box themselves in and create a bounded encasement from which they cannot be successful in escaping from. 


And for me, this is why people band together and create 'rules'. Those people who don't want to take on the 'burden' of dictating their own actions want to be told what they should do, and other people like to tell others what they should do - sometimes because they really can help others, and sometimes because their ego decides that telling other people what to do will somehow justify their choices, which they are insecure about. So it can be successful if those people in power are really able to lead others to find their own strength, rather than taking advantage of their fears. 


For those who read my blog regularly, I apologize for any repetitive thoughts I may share. This is all constantly in my mind and sometimes it flows through a few times.


On another note, if you'd like to see an inspiring talk about creativity that I got to see in person, check this out: 

I've landed

So I've officially landed in my own space. Although I moved more than two months ago, it is just now that I am in a space that is all my own.

It's interesting, the process of settling in. I find that I easily land, but I don't always fully settle myself before moving on. I've chosen to do a lot of relocating and I haven't always made myself at home, mostly because I have a habit of looking ahead too quickly.

I see it all connected - the ability to focus on a specific creative endeavor and release my passion, being able to fully settle into a home, and choosing to stay in the present and not move too quickly into 'what's next'.

So today, on Halloween, I am choosing to begin the process of settling in - and to allow myself to settle completely. This action will more easily allow my wellspring of creativity to flow out into the world.

I think I'll christen this space by watching Nightmare Before Christmas.

Happy Halloween!