Lake in the Valley

The water in the hills trickles down into the valley where I like to go running. 

The result is a lovely lake.  

It makes me think about those experiences that wash over us, as compared to those other experiences that get trapped in our minds. What we become is a combination of those things that couldn't pass by unimpeded, and our ability to let go. For better or for worse, our compendium is unique, created by circumstance and chance. And of course, choice. But it would be unreasonable to assume we truly have complete control. 

But - the lake is beautiful, regardless of the water source, or the places where the water leaks out into the soil. 

Even in the Storm...

This unusual global warming weather that's causing flooding, tornadoes and hurricanes throughout our country is certainly upsetting. It seems unfortunate that we insist on waiting until the damage gets really bad before we admit what we've caused our Earth. Of course, Nature will do what she does, and there's a degree to which we haven't created this. But I think we're finally getting a response after all those years of, "Well, we're still here, so let's push off environmental innovation for another year".

Anyway. What I actually wanted to share wasn't a complaint, but to share my awe about how even in bad weather, there is some breathtaking beauty.

A New Day

So, the world hasn't ended. Lots of life savings are being missed by regretful believers, but other than some clothing on the streets without bodies in them and some Judgement Day-themed parties, everyone else is going on with life as usual.

Interestingly, I did experience my first 'earthquake' yesterday. I suspect the intense fear of those who did believe they were going to be vacuumed up into the heavens was strong enough to cause a little shudder in the Earth right near the source of all the preaching.

Or, maybe it was the vacuum moving through and it passed me by.

Well, if I've been left on the Earth with the rest of you sinners, I'm not weeping. We live in and around an immense amount of beauty, and I'm not complaining.

I'll stick with peace and relaxation for the next five months of the Rapture, and when the next Judgement Day comes and goes, I'll remain calm as those who prefer panic over peace scream and yell about 2012. 

We're gonna have to up our ante after 2012, and do a little more re-interpretations of the Bible to find the next big apocalypse. Those who haven't already given up their life savings can feel comforted that there will always be something more ominous around the corner - and the most exciting part is they can lead the flock next time!

My advice if you want to lead a flock: just make something up that sounds minimally plausible, and figure out ways to read the Bible so it sounds as though it's defending your point. It doesn't have to say anything relevant, but just make sure you read it passionately and then instantly redirect the listener's attention with passionate statements about their impending doom. If they question you, inform them of their ignorance and don't acknowledge their concern.

Works every time.

Able to Play

Too long it's been since words have been flowing out of me. In the midst of work and connections with loved ones, it's been too long. I haven't been writing in the morning. I haven't been tracking my odd dreams.

But it might also be a good thing.

The other day, I was running around and didn't have time to practice guitar. When I finally had a moment to sit down at my boyfriend's house, I picked up his guitar, wanting to touch it for just a short while. It wouldn't be a full-on practice, just a brief reminder to my mind and body. I began picking the strings, in an almost distracted way, simply wanting to feel the strings underneath my fingertips. Suddenly, it sounded like a song. And not a just song that I was playing along to - a unique rhythm that could be considered music that I was creating.  

I laughed suddenly, remembering the feeling when I sit down to 'try' and play a song. I usually end up flailing on the strings, making some rhythmic patterns but never really manifesting a 'song'. And here I was, only trying to touch the strings, with no plan or particular musical endeavor in mind, and I was playing my own music.

Suffice it to say my boyfriend, the professional musician, was quite amused. It's funny how these obvious thresholds are so indiscernible until we stumble and fall right through them.

Suddenly, the world is clearer. And I'm able to play.

 

Finding Interest

I was telling myself I had to do things. Then I scheduled them and made them a permanent item on my to-do list. I couldn't get out of them. If I was tired, I was going to be more tired tomorrow, because I was staying up to finish. If I was mentally exhausted, I was pushing through and squeezing out whatever was left in my mind. If I was emotionally drained, I would pick mindless tasks that didn't require me to engage and be aware of my physical body. If I was lonely, I'd say, "what's next?"

Now, I'm doing just as much, maybe more, than I was before, but it's completely different. I want to do these things. I get excited about what I can do, and if I change my mind and want to alter the schedule I had planned, I can do that. All of the things I put into my schedule don't have to be work-related. They can be completely random and produce nothing in particular.

I want to do some of these things with other people, no longer considering socializing trying to avoid what I should be doing. I'm interested in new things. Maybe things I'm already doing will get set on the back-burner so I can try them, or maybe I will just wait until I can make some more space. I'm paying attention to my body and incorporating everything I do into my mental and physical state. I'm adding more people into my life.

I'm curious and keeping a log of things I'd like-to-do, rather than sitting with the frustrating have-to-dos, which exist so far out of my control I can't even entertain the idea of what I'd like to do because "I don't have time".

I'm moving forward.

Deeds and Words

Presence

There is such a significant difference between being in a place, and being present in a place. Sometimes I think that I'm present but I'm completely in my head, missing everything around me. I might be walking through the woods thinking, "I'm walking through woods, and they are really beautiful", but the act of thinking about the woods actually undermines my experience of the beauty of the woods.

Lately I've become more aware of how frequently I'm present - which is to say, not so much. My lack of focus is a blatant clue. I'm asking to have breakthroughs and to be more expressive, but I'm holding onto the things that keep me unexpressed and unfocused. It feels like laziness, in response to fear. Fear of what, I can't quite articulate. And when I justify being stuck and unable to activate, I've created a self-fulfilling cycle.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a huge pain. I'd love to reframe my thoughts and accept that the things I have been convincing myself I couldn't unstick and had to figure out how to live with can be fixed. But instead of accepting it as a possibility and letting it unfold, I continue to justify my current state of being because I 'don't know what it looks like' to be any other way. I'm starting to literally see the words, as they come out of my mouth, sliding down to my feet and piling up onto one another, building the very wall that I am speaking about not being able to break through.

I get these headaches when I start trying to explain why I'm upset. The words that come out of my mouth don't accurately express what needs to come out, and the frustration and anger lounge around in my head. Anyone have any good exercises to more effectively release anger? I've been willing to admit that it's there and that I want to express it, but I still haven't been successful in making it flow.

On the positive end of things, moments that I have been experiencing when I am present feel more...just more than they used to. So the depth of my presence is increasing, but the consistency with which I am present in the world is still leaving something to be desired.

Presence, kick Fear's ass, please.

Activism

I took a stand in activism the other day, and I was pretty proud of myself. There's a plot of land out here by the bay which hasn't yet been claimed by park services with strict rules laid upon it, or bought by a corporation to 'redevelop' into landscaped soccer fields. I went to a meeting with a friend who had enlightened my boyfriend and me to the dangers this land now finds itself in from said threats.

I hadn't visited the plot of land since I moved here, so I decided that I would make my way over there before the meeting so I knew what I was fighting for. It turns out to be a place unlike any I have ever seen. There was driftwood art, randomly scattered throughout nature left wild on the little peninsula. There were paths lined by rebar and concrete piles, creatively arranged, and people in tents, actually living there. These people were friendly enough to the random people who walked their dogs, went for a jog, and took a stroll along the bay in their home.

There's something wild and beautiful about this place, and that it's been able to retain its existence through the increasing build up of strip malls and highways is pretty impressive. I was confident that I wanted to take a stand for this place. Getting stung by a bee on my way out was a little annoying, but it added to the wild beauty of the place.

The meeting was so enlightening. I really got to see some of the people from the area in a way that I haven't been able to yet:

The older hippies who come to every town meeting to take a stand against evil corporations, who are taking away our natural resources and our freedom.

The angry guy who tried to turn the meeting into a rally by screaming, 'you have to LISTEN to us! You can't keep us quiet!' and got kicked out of the meeting.

The woman, an older intellectual hippie, who had her paperwork and had did her research. She condescendingly reminded the committee that they hadn't thought of every detail and made them question themselves.

The guy who was on multiple committees and - literally - wore different hats when he came up to speak on the different subjects.

The tie-dye skirted woman who just wanted to argue about dogs being leashed and was texting the rest of the meeting - she was even still texting when she walked up to the microphone to make a comment.

The land owner who was trying to explain why he wanted to sell his land to a big business, only giving vague details and not being able to answer any question with a direct answer. 

And then there was us. The younger generation, giving a face of youthful rationality to counterbalance the older attendees who couldn't seem to listen well enough to speak to the appropriate agenda item.

It was really enlightening. Who knows what sort of impact any of us had, but being there together and showing the committee the many faces that would fight for a cause must have given them some pause. They claimed not to have much control over this situation, but now it is their responsibility to relay our message to those whose ears they certainly have. 

And if they have the passion of the people I saw at the meeting, the place we fought for could retain its essence.