What the Universe Wants For You

Have you ever hoped the world would unfold in a certain unlikely way, and it happened? Every time it happens to me, I gain a little bit more arrogance that I am godlike. I start to believe if I think something hard enough, it will without fail manifest before my eyes. But I haven't yet gained telekenesis, so my arrogance is still manageable.

No, I jest. I am not gaining excessive arrogance, though I am becoming more confident about choice and control. What I'm realizing is that a lot of the negative energy I was receiving from the world was not because the world was giving me negative energy; it was because I wasn't asking for positive energy. I was standing in the neutral zone, too timid to ask for what I needed from the universe.

Well, of course it didn't provide if I didn't ask.

So I've been asking more often. Saying what I need and then I feel magical because what I ask for blossoms around me. It's been very useful in finding my footing physically as well as emotionally. It's clarified my already existing connections, and it's helping to make new connections happen more naturally.

There is, of course, the balance issue. What I need from the universe also comes with what the universe must give me, to keep everything equal.

Aside: I seem to enjoy vague, abstract descriptions, like the above. I had always thought that they sounded really poetic and intriguing, until I started getting feedback in school. My teachers would say that I was speaking too vaguely and I stopped making sense. That input has followed me to this day, in reactions people have when I try to preface an anecdote I'm about to tell them. So now I'll move on to the more coherent anecdote.

The situations I've been choosing for myself recently have been resulting in happiness and abundance. However, they have also come with strange ironies - karmic ironies, as I see it. Most of my relationships are deeply connected and natural with the people around me. But I've also been surrounding myself with people that I have trouble communicating with, people who frustrate me and make me work to work with them. I'd done a bit of slate wiping and starting fresh since my move, and I deliberately intended to eliminate all future frustrating situations relating to interpersonal connections. (Ah, the Idealist.)

Well, I was beginning to think that the universe was telling me that I needed to teach them, or help them connect with others. Trying to be positive - a friend, a mentor. And in one instance, a person who wasn't connecting with me, was treating me with disrespect and immaturity, turned around when I laid down my boundary and held open the space for them to connect with me. So that was part of it.

In another instance, though, the universe is handing me something else entirely. The universe has given me someone who I see regularly, who unequivocally dislikes me. Someone that I can't be reasonable and friendly to and receive emotions in response that are at least neutral.

I try very hard to keep things positive and neutral, if not downright loving with everyone I encounter (this is of course not including strangers and moments of irrationality - I've had my share of blind rage). But the universe seems to demand that I exist for a time without the rational expectation that trying to connect and make peace will evoke a compatible response in another person.

The universe needs to break me of my naivete, so I can fully manifest. And also, the universe is chastising me once again for holding so desperately to my expectations.

It's fair. And I'm going to keep telling the universe what I need - so I'll take it all in stride.

Change and the Rational World

If fear weren’t involved, would anyone resent change? Would we laugh easier at the unlikely and take a chance with the impossible? There are many people who don’t like change, don’t like a shifting, unknown, unreasonable environment and will defend emphatically that they are actually the type of person who enjoys life that way. I, however, am convinced that fear is the lone culprit in this matter. 

Of course, I make the distinction between committed and flighty when referring to change. Enjoying change doesn’t have to mean that a person hops from job to job, from lifestyle to the next, from location to the next. But it does involve shifting your life when it becomes clear that improvement, or an evolution, is calling. Stagnation is not the natural state of the universe. 

And as for rationality. I’ve always found that I have a pretty intense love of irrational humor. Surrealism, irony, and complete nonsense can really get me going. And it certainly has to do with my mind being a excessively logical. To say something nonsensical, irrational and perhaps plain silly, evokes a deep mental giggle. I find it releases the tension of my strict thought, and allows my deeper self to come up for air, as it were. I know I haven’t yet found the balance between logic and emotional expression in my life - I’m still heavily weighted in the logic end of the spectrum. But I’ll get there. And I’ll still be laughing at the absurd. What my balance will provide is the ability to focus my irrational amusement into tangible, creative ideas. Creativity is deeply embedded in our playtime with the limits of reality. 

And as for change - I am a big fan. There are a number of things that are comforting to hold on to, and things that must stay consistent in order to have a smooth ride through life. But anything that gives me the opportunity to see life from a new perspective, to learn something I never realized, to challenge myself to overcome a fear that I have - I welcome it. Not always without struggle and fear, but as long as I continue to respond to my instincts, which are infinitely curious what would happen if life could be improved by this or that, I’m invoking change. Setting this intention has made all the difference. 

It’s nice to realize that, in spite of all of my other insecurities, there are some real strengths that I do have. It’s hard to see strengths in the midst of fear and feelings of inadequacy. But even the desire to see myself more clearly is a strength - not all people even let that desire out. It's hidden in fear and defended under the guise of ‘this is just who I am’. And certainly I fall into that category for some things in my mind. I express that I just ‘am’ certain ways and try to maneuver my life to work with the ways things are. I’m seeing, though, one at a time, where I’m incorrect and those things can actually be removed from my persona. Life instantly looks different when I am able to do so. 

What it has taken is the confidence that I want to make the most of myself and my experience. And then, to admit that this confidence is a strength. Although it doesn’t produce instantaneous results, it’s with me for the long haul. The short term obstacles aren’t committed to me, so as they come across my path I will reject being halted and stagnated. I’m going to keep on moving, even if I have to put some force into it and swim around in the muck of my own fear and self-loathing for awhile. I’m swimming across, not treading water, and that certainly is different. Flailing around in place and shouting that I'm on my way to the other side isn’t the sort of irony that gets me going. 

And of course, the love and support of those around me is key. To see how I impact those I love and allow myself to have/be a mirror and view myself from an objective perspective is extremely powerful in my growth. Change arises whenever a new person comes into my life. Each new connection I make teaches me more about myself. In fact, always seeking new connections and deepening those I already have might just be the most important catalyst for my evolution.

Tweed.